Hot and Cold
by This-and-That
Summary: Bella is just bacon to her. Doe-eyed, klutzy, and ridiculous bacon. As teenage hormones send Bella on a wacky mission to win Alice's love, it's becomes much like trying to squeeze a banana under the crack of a door - messy, and very difficult. Humor.
1. The Ice Boob is Beside Me

**2012 edit: This is meant to be taken lightly. It's a satirical story... different than the type of stuff you usually read around here.  
I was messing when I started it a year ago; I've only now considered continuing it. **

**Enjoy :)**

* * *

Another year in the same high school, in the same little town of Forks. First days pissed me off, almost as much as the thought of another year. At least it would be my final one.

Until then: fuck you, school.

First period Art class – hooray! Then bio, then math, then piece-of-boring-shit English.

I dragged myself through every period, trying to avoid as much conversation as I could. Lunch? Sat with Coop, per usual; and nobody else. I spent more time watching the clock than breathing during all my classes. This would be my day for the next 4 months.

Awesome.

English class. Taught by Mr. Cheer; but alas, names can be deceiving. He was a short, angry man, with a moustache that he's been growing forever. I call him Fatty.

I settled in for the boringness at the back of the class. Fatty started talking about books.

The door opened and I froze. In walked a tiny Alice Cullen, handing Fatty a piece of paper and then scanning the room for seats – the only one was beside me.

Breathe, Bella.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Why was my chest malfunctioning? Because my brain wasn't sending signals to the right places at the moment – it was too busy sending signals in between my legs. I've had a crush on this girl since probably before birth. Hottest. Girl. In. Forks. Sittingbesideme.

I like it.

The little pixie hopped into her seat and suddenly the chair turned into a sexy chair. She smiled sweetly at me. "I'm Alice," she said in her too-cute-for-me-to-handle angel voice.

_I already know your name. I already know who you are because I fucking watch you in the cafeteria every day and daydream about you at night and I kind of want to fuck you silly 24/7._

"I think I've seen you around." I said, cooly. Except I wasn't cool. I was actually getting very hot right now, and only in terms of temperature. "I'm Bella."

"Bella," she repeated, seeming to muse. "Your name rolls off the tongue nicely."

I was thinking about something else that would roll off her tongue nicely and I-

"Bella! Stop disrupting the class." Barked Fatty.

I rolled my eyes and pretended to write down the notes he was putting onto the board. I stole a look to my left, and Alice Cullen was still watching me with those golden eyes. I fake coughed into my hand and shifted my eyes around, unsure of why she was watching me.

"You have an interesting disposition." She said, then opened her books and started copying down the note as well.

Interesting disposition?

Cool.

But what the hell did that mean?

I looked down at myself, realizing that I've been rigid from the moment that Alice had walked in and my hand had been squeezed between my thighs in a death grip. Probably to stop it from going any further . . . Either way. Alice Cullen took time out of her life to assess my body language. I am fucking king of the world right now.

...

-15 minutes into class-

"Why do you keep staring at me?" Alice asked, not taking her eyes off her paper.

"Uhh," I stuttered, furiously embarrassed. I had had a great deal of faith in my creeping abilities, and thought I had been being sneaky about full-out staring at her from behind my hair.

Damn you failure of a hair! I was going to need better stalker hair if I was going to have English with Alice for the rest of the semester.

"You . . ." _make me wet my panties - _no_, don't say that_. "look very pale, are you feeling okay?" I asked. _Phew_, good catch Bella. I high-fived myself in my imagination, also realizing just how lame I was.

Alice laughed and I swear I heard music in it. "Well, I don't get much sun here in Forks. I'm fine though."

"That's so great." I said, wanting to face-palm myself immediately after. 'That's so great'? Really Bella? It's not just great, it's _so _great.

Alice grabbed my hand and I almost shat my pants. "You look pretty pale yourself." She said, turning my hand over in hers. A second later she let me go and I could live again. She was really cold, like, really really cold - a beautiful ice cube. But sexier than an ice cube. Like a beautiful ice boob.

"Yeah, I guess I-"

"Bella!" bellowed Fatty, who was already getting red in the face. "How am I supposed to teach with you making all that noise by yourself back there?"

"I'm not the only one back here," I protested - Alice was totally the one that started all the talking.

"Yes, but Alice is a doll," He said, smiling sweetly at Alice before turning his glare back on me. "and you will be out of here if I hear another peep!"

Fatty then accentuated his point by sticking his finger at me, jabbing it towards the door, then 'zipping' up his lips.

"Sheesh." I muttered under my breath. _I'll show him where he could stick that finger_ . . .

...

At the end of the class Alice said goodbye and bounced out of the room. I sat in my seat for few moments, trying to figure out if I should thank God for putting me beside Alice fucking Cullen, or I should just let myself drown in naughty thoughts.

Naughty thoughts it is.

As I was packing up my books, I noticed a slip of paper on the desk.

I reads its contents, or lack of contents, and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

Alice left me a phone number.

Alice _Cullen_ left me a phone number.

Okay.

Okay cool.

What the hell was she playing at?

Either way.

_Or_-fucking-_gasm_.


	2. Russia Seems Drastic

Wait a few days, or call her immediately?

I weighed the options in my head. If the movies served correct, I had to make it look like I was interested, but not _too_ interested. And then we'd end up dating.

Success!

But how to do it? Maybe I should just call and hang up. That would add suspense.

Suspense is sexy.

I now knew the numbers off by heart; I could be intoxicated, wrestling a bear, and still say the numbers backwards. This was it. This was my chance.

Screw waiting, that's probably an old notion; like the idea of waiting until marriage for sex. I would not wait to make this phone call. In an utter moment of brilliancy, I also figured out the perfect way to do it.

I punched in the numbers and heard the dial tone. My heart started racing. I hoped my voice sounded raspy, because girls who like girls also like raspy voices. Maybe I should hang up and scream a little bit . . .

First ring.

I was going to capture this sexy pixie butterfly and store her in my pants forever.

Second ring.

_When she picks up, I'll act so surprised and pretend I was trying to call a different girl who left me her number _- Bella in demand. I liked the sound of that._  
_

Third ring.

"Hello?" A voice on the other end said.

"OH AlICE I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS YOUR PHONE WHAT A COINCIDENCE I WAS ASKING THIS OTHER CHICK ON A DATE WHO ALSO GAVE ME HER NUMBER . . FOR A DATE. WITH THAT OTHER CHICK." I nearly screamed into the receiver. _Dooowwn _a notch, Bella.

"Uhh, I'm sorry?" Said the voice. It was a dude's voice.

Damn it!

"Who is this?" I snapped. Now I would have to say that line all over again to the real Alice; damn, it went so good that time too.

"Jasper. Who is _this_?" said the confused voice. "You know Alice?"

I slammed the phone into its holder, ending the conversation.

Ugh, boys.

…

"That's fucking hilarious!" Cooper cried, holding the table so he wouldn't double over with laughter.

I watched him, unamused. _Yeah, laugh it up Cooper boy; laugh it up. _

"You actually said that?" He said between laughs. "Oh my God." He fought for his breath.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "You know, I may _look _calm right now; but in my head I've killed you three times."

"You and your dyke drama is always the funniest shit, man."

"I hate you."

When Cooper's laughs finally subsided, he turned to me seriously. "Okay, so what's the plan?"

"What plan?"

"The plan, man!"

"_What_ plan?"

Cooper sighed. "You want to win Princess Pixie's heart, but the noble knight is in the way. We need to dispatch of this Jasper dude, once and for all."

"Oh, _that_ plan."

Cooper wiggled his eyebrows. I knew that look on his face - it was the I'm-a-detective-and-shit-is-going-down look.

"You have an idea?" I asked.

"Of course I do . . . and it involves him getting deported to Russia." He said, crossing his arms triumphantly.

I looked at him unimpressed. "That's a little far."

"Exactly! And it's also nowhere near Alice's pants. Thus, I am a genius, and I will sort this out."

"How's that going to happen?"

"Give me a week, and I'll take care of it. With my dad being a Russian ambassador and all . . ."

I rolled my eyes, not wanting him to get into another one of his my-dad-is-the-bomb rants.

"No."

Cooper's face fell. "Why not?"

"Because number one, it's not going to work; and number two, that just sucks too bad for _him_."

"One, it will work; and two, _he_ is taking your gal. And come on, I've always wanted to do something like this. It makes me feel so badass." He groaned.

I sighed.

So Cooper wanted me to deport my crush's boy-toy to Russia.

Okay.

Yes, it was a little drastic.

Yes, it was a little bit insane.

Yes, Cooper had started eating my sandwich in his triumph.

"You really think it's going to work? It's temporary though, right? Like, he won't be stuck in Moscow forever. Yes?"

"Not Moscow, but Kaliningrad or Omsk, definitely. And no, not forever. Actually, they'll probably realize he's not an illegal immigrant pretty soon, but customs will detain him for a while. And that's when you go, and you _strike_!"

I envisioned myself 'striking' and smiled goofily.

"I know you want to. You just did the jizz-in-my-pants face. Now, just get me some personal details on Jasper, starting with his last name."

"Okay,"

"Okay?" He repeated quickly, hopeful.

"No, that was the start of my sentence. Okay, _try_ to do it. Just to see if you can. But don't do shit until I tell you to. Because I'll feel like too big of a dick."

He smiled. "Operation 'get Jasper the fuck away from America' has officially begun." He said, nodding his head like a frat boy.

I shook my head. "Why am I friends with you . . ." I trailed off.

The idea of this Jasper character in Russia was actually quite appealing to me.

Given, I felt like a dickhead and the deed hadn't even been done yet. Nor did I know if Jasper and Alice were actually dating, but I did know that I wanted them to be separated by a sea or ten.

That would be cool.

A little bit of guilt dribbled down my forehead, but hey.

You know what class I had in two periods?

English.

Oh. Fucking. Yeah.


	3. Scratching the Surface

I am brilliant.

I am so fucking brilliant that I would marry myself if I wasn't myself.

My cellphone was placed and angled so perfectly at the moment, that not only was Fatty unaware of its presence, but I could also stare at Alice's face via the reflection.

Genius!

She was so hot. Like, perfect in every way. Like, I wanted to liquefy her and put her in my back pocket forever. Like-

"Bella," Alice said. I started and my knee hit the table, moving my perfectly placed cellphone and earning me a death glare from Fatso.

I quickly put my elbow on the table and acted casual. "Yeah?" I replied.

"Did you call Jasper last night?"'

Crap.

I opened my mouth to say something, stuttering over my words. My incoherent sentence came out 90mph. "I-I, well, of course I- he picked up - there was a number - called it and - I could wrestle a bear - accidentally hung up - what's Jasper's last name?"

"Sorry?" She asked, clearly not understanding a word I said.

"Uhh,"

Alice looked at me like I was crazy. Then she laughed. "Jasper told me he got this strange call last night from a girl with tourettes. Or it seemed like she had tourettes anyways, because she kept yelling things that didn't make sense. He was also worried that maybe it was normal girl that was under attack. Did you call him?"

"_Psssh_," I said, swatting the air in front of me as if that was ridiculous. "Nope."

"Oh, okay. I just thought that since I think I left his new number here yesterday it was you -"

"Wasn't me."

"Alright, because it made sense-"

"I didn't."

"Yeah-"

"Yeah."

Alice looked completely confused as to why I kept cutting her off. She raised an eyebrow.

I looked around the room.

Awkward.

"So . . ." I said.

"So . . ." She replied.

"So you and Jasper are close?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, we're very close."

Damn it!

"Ever since we found each other, we knew it was meant to be and we were meant to live with each other."

Damn it! They already _lived_ with each other? Alice was like, 17. Or something.

"He understands me, and I love that about him. He's really . . . empathetic."

Fuck. You. Jasper.

I smiled, but I think it came out as a snarl. "That's awesome."

Not.

"So what's his last name?" I asked casually.

Alice looked at me like I should already know. "What do you mean?"

"Uhh, like, what's his name that's not his first name?"

"Oh, you mean like, what's his _real _last name? It's Hale."

"Sweet."

Fucking Hale better love Russia.

Just then, Alice seemed to freeze up and look into space. I tried to follow her eyes, which were vaguely fixed on the exit sign out in the hallway. I twiddled my thumbs waiting for her to 'come back'. God, it was just an exit sign. In all fairness, I guess it could be interesting if you looked at it in different ways . . .

"Russia?" Alice muttered in disbelief, shaking herself out of her trance.

What the fuck.

"What the fuck." Said Alice, still to herself.

What the fuck?

"What the _fuck_?" She repeated, getting angry.

This was weird.

"This is so weird." She said, shaking her head.

I must've looked like a ghost, because when she looked at me, she seemed taken aback. "Sorry," She said."I just thought of something I have to do."

When the bell rang to signify the end of class, Alice nearly flew out of the classroom, leaving me in a daze.

She definitely said Russia. But how would she know?

I shook my head, packing up and meeting Cooper by my truck. I quickly told him what I knew about Jasper, then set off to my usual spot to watch Alice drive home. Per usual.

Stalking was a habit.

...

"It's retarded!" Said Alice, she was speaking to Emmett and Rosalie beside her Jeep.

I sat on a nearby rock, pretending to text.

"What is?" Asked Emmett.

"I had a vision in English class today." She started.

Vision? Girl of my dreams gets visions?

"Some time next week U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers are going to show up at our door and try to deport Jasper."

"That's ridiculous, Alice." Said Rosalie. "Jasper hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe it was a mistake."

"I know it sounds ridiculous . . . They want to deport him for being an illegal Russian spy, suspected for Alien Activity - a.k.a. _terrorism_."

Her siblings looked incredulous. "Don't worry, that's not going to happen." Said Emmett, getting into the Jeep. "Let's talk about it at home."

Rosalie got into the back seat, leaving Alice to get into the passenger. Before she did though, she cursed and stomped on the ground.

I swear I saw asphalt fly up.

Once the car had left, I walked up to the parking space. Where Alice's foot came down, there was a small plate-sized crater.

Alice Cullen. Reads the future _and_ has strong calves?

Cool.

A little bit weird, but mostly sexy.

Now where was Cooper?


	4. Fair Hair Days

"Illegal Russian spy that is plotting a terrorist attack?" I said into the receiver. "You couldn't make it a _little _more believable?"

"I'm just having fun, Bells." Protested Cooper from the other line.

"You didn't happen to watch Salt lately, have you?"

"Huh?"

"Point being, this isn't a _movie_. It's ridiculous! And no joke, that movie kind of sucks too. But that's beside the point!"

"Wait, but how did you even know about the plan? I didn't even tell you yet."

I sighed. "Alice is like, psychic or something."

"She's what?" He asked, completely flat.

"Psychic or something" I repeated.

"What?"

"PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING, you dimwit!"

"Oh. True. But like, _what_?"

I sighed again. I knew this sounded crazy. "We were mid conversation when she looked at the Exit sign and suddenly knew about our plans."

". . . the Exit sign told her?"

"Yes."

"And you saw this happen?"

"Yes." I breathed.

"Hmm . . ." He replied, seemingly deep in thought. "I gotta go eat dinner, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Click.

I continued to browse Facebook, cursing Alice for not having a profile.

I would _so_ be in her top friends. . .

...

I was late when I got to Biology, and apparently someone had taken my spot.

Sitting at my desk was Edward Cullen - Alice's brother, from what I knew by my creeping.

I sat in the chair beside him, seeing as it was the only empty seat, and was just about to introduce myself when I saw him cringe away from me.

What a dick.

"Hi," I said. _What the fuck is your problem? _

He looked like he was about to throw up.

Insulted by his non-reply, I flipped my hair to create a wall between me and Dickhead.

This causes him to fall out of his chair.

I find this hilarious.

Why?

I don't know, but I made an effort to flip my hair as many times as I could.

Flip.

Cringe.

Flip.

His pencil is shattered.

Flip.

Another pencil.

Flip.

This was YouTube.

I didn't care that I probably looked psychotic, constantly flipping my hair. But Willow Smith did it and now she has a music video.

Whatever.

Flip.

"Sir I need to go to the bathroom!" He cried, running out of the room.

What a weirdo.

Edward didn't come back the entire class, and I respectively took my rightful seat back.

Silly albino, taking my seat.

...

I was on my way to English when I nearly crashed into a curly-haired Cooper.

"Cooper,"

"Hey Bella."

We were standing outside of my English classroom.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have Phys. Ed.?" I asked him.

Cooper looked a little bit embarrassed. "Yeah . . ." He muttered.

I raised my eyebrow at him. I looked directly above us and saw the Exit sign. The sudden realization almost made me laugh.

"Cooper, were you staring at this Exit sign?"

"No," He defended, but I knew him better than that.

"You _so_ were."

"Fine. I was."

"And?" I pressed on.

"And what?"

"What did you discover." I said, waving my hands around all mysterious-like.

"Nothing." He stated.

"Exactly. Because it's just a damn _Exit_ sign." I said, smacking him in the head."Go to class Coop."

"But it's so fascinating! I need to find the meaning behind it." He said, evading another one of my swipes.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to English."

"Later."

Walking into the class, I saw Alice there, already with her books out.

I squirted my mouth with my new peppermint spray.

_Oh yeah_.

* * *

**Alright, let me explain the Russia thing. **

**I just wanted to throw something in there to sorta reveal a little bit of Cooper and Bella's character. **

**Naturally, I thought of the most ridiculous thing I could. **

**Deportation to Russia. Haha, and I love it.  
**


	5. Ass Out of You and Me

"Ugh, is that peppermint?" Asked Alice as soon as I sat down.

She crinkled her nose in displeasure.

I was horrified. "Is it bad? I can wash my mouth," I said quickly, jumping to my feet.

Alice laughed. "No, no. It's fine. Just, your natural smell is better."

Alice Cullen thought my natural smell was good.

Never. Showering. Again.

"Cooper made me do it." I lied, swallowing a couple times to try to swallow the smell.

"_Cooper_?" She repeated, suddenly interested.

"Yeah he's . . . this boy."

Alice suddenly grabbed my hand.

_Don't pee. Don't pee._

"Bella, can you help me with something?" She asked, hurriedly.

"Anything," I said automatically.

Alice looked very serious. "Okay, this sounds crazy, but I think this Cooper boy is trying to ruin Jasper's life."

"You're beautiful too." I said.

"What?"

I mentally stabbed myself. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

Stupid imagination.

"I was saying that this boy, _Cooper_, is plotting against Jasper. I saw- I think that he's trying to get him deported to Russia." She said, staring me in the eye.

What beautiful eyeballs she had.

Then I registered what she said.

"No, why would he do _that_?" I said, acting like she was silly.

_She's onto the plan._

_Oh my God, she's onto the plan._

_Should I start crying? Begging for forgiveness? _

She threw her hands up. "I don't know! And that's the problem. Edward and Jasper just came back from Seattle, can you talk to them with me after school? We need to find Cooper and crack this case before Jasper ends up in Moscow."

"Kaliningrad or Omsk, actually."

"What?"

"Nothing. That's horrible, why would someone do such a thing?" I said, looking off to the side.

_I'm dead. I'm actually dead. _

She _knows_.

"I don't know. But it's evil, really."

"Definitely." I agreed with her, nodding.

Fatty gave us an in class assignment to write, which ceased our talking.

Naturally, I wrote about two unicorns falling in love. One's name was Allison and the other one was Bob, and they lived happily ever.

"What'd you write about?" I asked Alice as we were handing in our papers.

"The Mao Dynasty and how communism spread throughout China." She replied. "You?"

I shifted my feet. "Some stuff . . ."

"What stuff?"

"Important stuff . . ."

"Like, history?"

"Yep."

...

I was finally gonna meet the fucker.

We were walking to Alice's jeep, where the homewrecker was waiting.

Scrawny, long-haired, hippie, homewrecker.

"Hey," greeted Alice.

"Hey" He said back.

_Oh my God they have so much chemistry. _

"Where's Edward?" Alice asked.

"Some girl in his bio class made him go psychotic. He decided to go hunting." Replied Jasper.

Stupid Jasper with his stupid eyes and his stupid chemistry with Alice.

"This is Bella," Said Alice, introducing me. "She knows Cooper."

Jasper's eyes widened. "You know Cooper?"

"Uhh,"

"What your relationship to him?" He asked.

I looked to the ground. "He's . . . a boy."

He placed both hand on my shoulders.

Ew.

"I need to find this boy. Will you help me?" He said.

I hesitated. Alice was looking at me with encouraging eyes.

"Why do you want to find him?" I asked, playing a little bit dumb.

Jasper sighed. "He thinks I'm a terrorist."

_A terrorist to_ love_!  
_

"I'm not a terrorist. But regardless, I really can't have the government snooping around my life. It's complicated." He said.

Alice wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "We're gonna sort this out, Jasper." She said, comforting him.

Barf.

Look at them, with their cutesy hug and couple-y aura. How could she date a guy that had longer hair than her?

"How long have you guys been dating?" I asked.

Yes, it was off-topic, but this was vital information.

I was on a need-to-know basis.

Jasper's eyebrows flew up and he looked at Alice in surprise.

"Jasper and I?" Asked Alice, surprised.

_No, me and you_. Yes, _you and Jasper_. I almost rolled my eyes.

"We're not dating." Supplied Jasper quickly.

Oh God, they're married.

"We're brother and sister." Said Alice, hitting him in the chest.

My mouth dropped to Mexico.

What.

Alice laughed at my reaction. "Yeah, that's ridiculous; we're adoptive siblings. I don't even think that's legal."

Jizzed in my pants.

"I didn't know that." I said, with my head full of air.

"Our last names are the same - _Cullen_." Jasper said, smiling.

But he-

But-

Hale?

What.

"Don't look so stunned, Bella." Laughed Alice. "Plus, how could I date a guy with longer hair than me?" She teased, grabbing at his wavy locks.

Too much.

Brain malfunction.

"I need to go!" I said, spinning away and running for my truck.

I slipped on the pavement but didn't look back.

Wow.

There is a God.


	6. I Fix Shit with Duck Tape

The telephone was ringing. I was in desperate need to fix this situation.

"Hello?"

"Cooper! Thank God, okay we need to-"

"I'm sorry, you've reached my voicemail. I'm not here right now-"

Fuck you!

I slammed my phone shut.

Great. Now I needed to go all the way the dweeb's house and waste precious minutes.

I veered my beast of a truck in his driveway, which was 3 doors down from mine, and got out.

"Oh, hi Bella." Said Cooper's mom as she opened the door.

"Hey. Is Cooper in?"

Cooper's mom frowned. "He's not allowed to see anybody right now."

"Why not?" I asked.

"He's in trouble." She said, giving me a stern look.

Fuck, the Cullens found him. They found him and they've found me out.

"Please, I _really _need to see him." I pleaded.

I must've looked desperate because she reluctantly moved to the side so I could come in.

I raced upstairs to his room and pounded on his door. "Cooper?"

"Yeah?" He called from downstairs.

I raced back down the steps and into the kitchen, following his voice.

Was he hurt?

Did they call the police on him?

I stopped at the kitchen entrance and was immediately unimpressed.

He had baking gloves on and was pulling muffins out of the oven.

"What the fuck?" I said, arching my brow.

"Hey Bella!" He said, cheerfully. "Want a muffin?"

"No, I do not want a muffin! What are you doing?" I said angrily.

Cooper shrugged, looking pathetic with a tray of muffins and an apron. "Sheesh, I didn't know it was a crime to bake."

"I thought you were dead!"

"In fact, I am not." He replied, placing the muffins onto a cooling rack.

I sat down at the table.

"We can't deport him." I huffed.

"Sure we can."

"_No_, we can't." I pressed.

"Yes, we _can_. Trust in my abilities Bella!"

My imagination shoved muffins down his throat.

"No! That's not the point; the point is that Jasper is Alice's _brother_."

Cooper made a face. "Gross. She's dating her brother?"

More muffins. Down his throat.

"No. They're not dating at all. And you need to not send him to Russia, because they're totally onto us."

"Onto us?" He asked.

"Yes, onto us. As in, Alice made me talk to the hippie and they're trying to find _you_."

Cooper cursed. "Fucking Exit signs! I already took the one from your English class!"

What.

_Excuse me?_

I looked to my right, and on the table was the Exit sign itself.

I picked it up, my face incredulous. "You _took _the Exit sign?"

"Yeah, and I took it apart and everything. It seems like it's normal but-"

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT." I cried, waving it in his face."Is this what you're in trouble for?" I asked.

Cooper shifted his eyes to the ground. "I got suspended for vandalism."

Unbelievable.

Unfucking believable.

My best friend was a pylon.

He was a living, breathing, _pylon_.

"You're stupid."

"Girls like stupid." He grinned.

"Not this one." I said, getting up from the table. "Deportation is off."

"Fine."

"And _nobody_ hears about it." I warned.

"Fine."

"And the fucking Exit signs don't give psychic powers!"

"But-"

I headed for his front door. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"I can't come for the rest of the week," He called after me.

I rolled my eyes and left his house.

...

Alice was in an especially cheerful mood today. She bounced in the classroom and sat beside me.

"America!" She yelped in a particularly high voice as she hugged me.

If patriotism got me hugs from Alice Cullen, I would wear stripes and stars every day.

"Hey," I said, patting her on the back and wondering if I should steal a hair.

_Too creepy, but oh the possibilities_. . .

"You won't believe it," She started.

Oh, I bet I will.

"Jasper's not getting deported anymore!"

She ended her hug with me, and probably my life.

"Great," I said. "I know."

"You know?" She said, still grinning.

"Yeah, I talked to Cooper about it yesterday." I shrugged like it was no big deal.

"That's where you ran off to!" She exclaimed. "No way, so you fixed it all?"

"Yup. It was just a misunderstanding."

Alice's eyes glowed.

_She wants me. She wants me so bad._

"You have no idea much you've helped us! Like,_ no_ idea. The government wouldn't sit well with my family."

"What, are you guys not who you say you are?" I joked.

Alice's face looked serious for a second.

Joke over.

Knife to wrist.

I take that back, she was smiling again.

"This is cause for celebration, we need to party!" She said.

"In my pants?"

Alice looked confused.

Note to self: Never make jokes again.

"I mean, yeah. Defs."

"Deaf?"

Second note to self: Don't use lame abbreviations.

"Definitely." I supplied.

I twiddled my thumbs. "So . . ." _want to fuck now?_

Fatty started barking. Moment ruined.

He assigned us a project and I groaned. I fucking hated his pointless projects.

"Want to be my partner?" Alice asked.

I loved Fatty and I loved his projects.

"Yes!" I said, probably too quickly.

"Okay, well it's not due until next week, but you can come over tomorrow." She said.

"Bomb-diggity!" I said, going in for a high five.

Alice, confused by my lingo, stayed motionless.

I continued the arm motion to play it off and grabbed her pencil.

"Can I use this?" I asked.

"You have one in your other hand." She stated.

Blood rushed through my cheeks. "It's broken," I said, tossing it over my shoulder.

Realizing I didn't have anything to write in the first place, I wrote my name on our project sheets. It was a desperate act, but what it elicited was magical.

"Cute." Said Alice.

Cute.

Cute.

She wants me because I'm cute.

This is so great.

Who said English sucked?


	7. Patience is a Virtue, Just not Mine

I was going to talk to her before biology. Screw waiting until English.

After all, I'd been following her from her chemistry class for like a minute or so, and as sexy as the back of her head was, I needed a voice to go along with it.

_Grow some balls. Say something to her!_

Okay.

Here I go.

I reached out my hand to get her attention; I would soon be touching Alice Cullen. The Cullen of my dreams. My wild dreams. My wet dreams. The Cullen that called to my soul like a songbird, like a flower tilting towards the sun, like a cellphone. Alice Cullen, the one girl that coul-

"Hey," Said Edward, suddenly in my view.

Ugh! Where the hell did he come from!

Monologue ended.

He was standing right in front of me, grinning crookedly. It was a charming smile, but it mostly looked like someone punched him in the face.

Dickhead was between me and Alice.

God fucking damn it!

I watched her spikey head bounce away in the crowd and almost growled when I turned my gaze back to Edward.

"What?" I snapped at him, he almost looked scared for a moment. Recovering back into his suave state, he cleared his throat and started talking.

"I'm sorry I never got a chance to introduce myself a few days ago," He started, leaning against the locker.

_Yeah, because you were too busy breaking your school supplies. _

"You literally ran away from me." I said, and he shifted his gaze, looking embarrassed._  
_

Apparently he wants me to talk to him.

Apparently he thinks it's okay to ruin me and Alice's romance, and consequently, my day.

"I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella." He said.

Damn straight I was Bella.

The chime went off, signaling the beginning of class.

"We need to go to Biology." I said to him.

"Ladies first." He replied, following me into the class.

_Oh he thinks he's so smooth. _

We sat down - he took _my_ seat again, and I was contemplating whether I should flip my hair.

This class was a lab, we had to name the stages of mitosis in order to win the golden onion.

I sucked at Biology.

Awesome.

Hopefully Edward would at least be useful this class, and I turned to him to voice my thoughts.

He was staring at me.

Creep.

"So, you enjoying the rain?" He asked.

"It's stupid." I answered, shrugging.

The boy continued staring. Didn't he ever blink?

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," He said, chuckling like it was some inside joke. "If you hate the rain, why did you come to the wettest place in the continental U.S.?"

"Gee, I don't know, I guess because my dad lives here." Idiot.

He didn't catch my sarcasm.

"And now you're unhappy?" He asked.

"No."

"You're very vague."

"You're very pale and your hair reminds me of Jimmy Neutron!" I accidentally yelled. That happens sometimes.

Edward made a face, as if_ I _was the weird one, then laughed. "I'm sorry. You're very hard for me to read."

The lab started and I grabbed the microscope in front of us eagerly. I really wanted that onion.

"Prophase." I stated, writing it down.

"May I take a look?" Edward asked. I shrugged, so he helped himself. "Actually, it's anaphase."

I scoffed. Next slide.

"Prophase." I said again.

"Nope, it's metaphase." Edward responded, peering through the glass.

"Let me check." I said, grabbing the microscope and slitting my finger in the process.

Blood dripped everywhere. "OH MY GOD, THERE'S SO MUCH_ BLOOD_!" I squealed, some unknown instinct shoving my finger in his face.

Edward squealed like a girl and literally flew to the back of the classroom, face looking horrified.

"BATHROOM!" He yelled to the teacher, running out of the class.

Well, at least _I _thought it'd make an awesome battle scar.

...

I walked to the cafeteria, golden onion-less because stupid Edward never returned.

God, he must have a diarrhea problem.

Remembering that Cooper wasn't going to be at school, I got my food and sat at our usual table alone.

As soon as I sat down, I watched the Cullens and my eyes immediately went to Alice.

She turned her head and her eyes met mine.

In the split second that my heart stopped beating, I snapped my head downwards and stared at my food.

Oh broccoli, when did you get so interesting?

I continued my internal conversation with my vegetables until a shadow covered my greens.

Looking up slowly, Alice was sitting in front of me with a pleasant smile on her face.

Gulp.

"What's up?" She asked.

Blink.

Blink.

"Talking to my vegetables."

Blink.

She laughed and I continued blinking because God damn it, my other motor functions weren't working.

"You're sitting alone?" She asked me, picking up my apple and spinning it on her palm.

I nodded.

Alice Cullen was sitting at my table.

_I swear, if this is a dream I'll be so pissed when I wake up_.

Alice's golden eyes twinkled. "Do you know where Edward is?" She asked.

Huh? What did that have to do with anything?

"He's shitting." I said.

Alice raised an eyebrow in doubt. "Okay. . . Anyways, Bella I wanted to ask you something."

I nodded again.

Stupid tongue turning into stupid silly putty.

"Are you single?"

My jaw took a vacation.

She looked a little bit uncomfortable. "I know it's not my place to ask but-"

"Yes, yes I am." I quickly replied.

"Sweet!" Exclaimed Alice happily.

This is what my life has become.

"So I was wondering if . . ." She started.

Holy shit she was asking me out.

"You would want to . . ."

Yes, yes, yes, I would like to take you out to dinner, drive you to my place, and make sweet love.

"Go on a date with-"

"YES." I said, nearly jumping over the table to throw my arms around her in a hug.

She laughed awkwardly and patted me on the back.

"Great, I'll tell Edward when he comes back."

Huh?

"He'll be so happy you said yes." She squealed excitedly.

Wait. Rewind please.

"You guys can make the arrangements when you come over tonight." She said.

No, no, no, no, no, no. _I can't, I don't want to - I just, I- _"Okay."

'Okay'? Stupid brain! This was _not_ 'okay'. This was a tragedy!

Alice talked happily for another minute, and then I watched her skip back to her table and tell her siblings, who all responded with equal enthusiasm.

Noooooooooo! My inner voice went on a tantrum.

I didn't want Dickhead. I wanted Alice.

Dickhead had weird hair and this aura that screamed '100-year old virgin'. Alice had fuck-me hair and this aura that screamed 'fuck me'.

How could she think I would ever want to be with _Edward_?

Fuck.

_And_ she took my apple.


	8. Starting the 180

**Hey sorry for the wait. It was hard for me to write this chapter, so it's kind of bad.**

**I sort of forced myself to write it though, because that seems to be the only way to overcome writer's blocks. **

**And yes, I love shitting on Edward's head in this story. :D  
**

* * *

Alice didn't live in a house. She lived in Wonderland.

My future girlfriend was smart, gorgeous, and filthy rich.

It made me want to fist pump.

I was sitting on her gigantic bed and thought about it's various uses. _All _of it's various uses.

"Bella?" Came the questioning voice of Alice.

I stopped daydreaming. "Yeah?"

She looked a little bit awkward. "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

I looked down to see my frozen hands in the act of unbuttoning my blouse. Maybe I hadn't stopped daydreaming.

"I, uhh- wanted to see if my buttons worked." I muttered.

Alice, seeming to dismiss my near striptease flung herself onto the bed beside me with enough grace as to not even bounce once.

Close call.

"English project then?" She asked, flipping open her laptop.

I scooted in beside her and tried not to stare at her ice boobs.

Never in my life had I come across someone so hot that she was cold. I suppressed the urge to squish my fingers in her spikey sex hair and tried to pay attention to the screen. Alice chatted happily about Pride and Prejudice, somehow veering the conversation off onto the topic of shopping. A kingdom of butterflies bounced around in my stomach, and I don't know why it made me feel pregnant but it did. The cool kind of pregnant, though. The only time our conversation hit an awkward rut was when I accidentally muttered that I was giving birth, but I totally played it down to hunger. I was doing awesome.

It was nearing dinner time when my stomach started growling with real hunger when there was a soft knock on the door. Alice's mom came in with a plate of home cooked pizza, inquiring about how the project was going before leaving again.

I didn't eat too much because I didn't want to have to take a huge crap at her house (cheese does that to me), but I did notice that Alice hadn't a single slice.

"You're not going to eat?" I asked her.

Alice shook her head. "Nope, I'm not hungry." She said.

She was crazy. This pizza was delicious, I never wanted to shit it out.

"It tastes great though," I said, sticking the plate in her face so she could get a waft. It seemed like an innate habit of mine to stick things in people's faces.

Alice contorted her nose and she leaned away from it.

From her expression I figured that she loved it.

"Smells great," She said, her voice a bit strained.

I knew it.

"But I already ate." She finished, pushing the plate away from her facial vicinity.

I narrowed my eyes. "When?"

"When what?"

"When did you eat?" I asked.

Alice shrugged, "Before."

I wrinkled my forehead. "No you didn't."

Alice looked a little bit unnerved. "I ate at lunch."

"No you took my apple and played with it forever, but you didn't eat." I replied. I would know, seeing as my in-school activities all included watching her every move and creating fantasies. "Then you didn't eat in English, I saw you in your Law class where you weren't eating, and I came home with you straight after school. You haven't eaten all day." My eyes grew wide as a thought came to my head. "In fact, I've never seen you eat!" I exclaimed.

Maybe that's how she stays fit. Maybe I should never eat too.

Alice's face blanched a little before she spoke quickly. "Bella, that's crazy. Of course I eat!"

Did I detect a hint of nervousness?

_OMIGOD she's nervous around me! _Maybe I should confess my love.

Wait, food first.

I thrust the plate back in her face, grinning widely. Seeing as I didn't want the love of my life to die of starvation, I was adamant that she should eat.

"Uhh," She said, looking a bit baffled.

"Go on!" I urged.

With what looked like reluctance, Alice picked up a slice of pizza, seeming to try to place it in her mouth while keeping it as far away from her face as possible. Her face twisted and an unreadable expression took over her features.

I coaxed her into eating the entire slice, smiling at my good deed. Alice rushed to the bathroom not very long after dinner, leaving me alone to sit on her bed.

Gee, her and her family always seemed to be rushing to the bathroom.

Gradually, a grossly sweet stench hit my nose and I looked to the door to see Edward watching me.

"Hey," He said in a voice that would've been seductive if it didn't sound like it was slicked in oil.

I waved at him. "Hi,"

He seemed to take that as an invitation, walking into the room to stand before me. Why was he always grinning at me like that? Like, holy moly - it looks like he wants to eat me. I shifted in my seat, wondering what was taking Alice so long that I had to be alone with this cow.

Might as well get along with the pleasantries.

"How's the explosive diarrhea?" I questioned, sounding genuinely concerned. He made a horrified face and I continued. "I know it sucks, I mean I kind of have the same problem - I'm not lactose intolerant or anything, but when I drink milk I end up shitting my life out. Also, eggs. God damn, when I have eggs shit goes to the next level, you won't even believe-"

"I don't have diarrhea!" He blurted, stopping my rambling.

"Now Edward, there's no need for-"

"I don't!" He said again, more adamant.

"Okay but-"

"Seriously."

"Alright, but -"

"It's impossible."

"Okay, but-"

"My bowels are fine."

"Pepto Bismo?"

The bantering stopped. Edward was . . . _growling_?

A low rumble was coming from Edward's huffed out chest. Man, was this dude ever weird.

"So . . ." I said, not really knowing how to continue the conversation. Needless to say, when Person A starts growling, Person B feels awkward.

Edward closed his eyes, seeming to take a deep breath. When he opened them again, his face looked warm and inviting.

Can somebody say bi-polar?

I think I'll name his alter ego Pheonix.

"I'm sorry," He said, looking deep into my eyes. "I was feeling a little bit-"

"Nauseous?" I offered.

"Uhh- yeah." He said. He flattened out his black shirt, gaining his composure again before speaking. "As I was saying before, I understand that you've accepted my invitation to go on a date. This has made me eternally happy."

My inside voice groaned.

I almost forgot about that date - the one I had been hoodwinked into. It wasn't even my fault, the way Alice presented it was so misleading. I should've known Edward wouldn't be ballsy enough to ask me himself . . .

Okay. The way I saw it, I had two options.

1) I could simply say no, ending this little bubble of stupidity. Edward could get on with his life, and I could get onto Alice. Hopefully in a literal way.

or 2) I could use this to my advantage; date Edward to get closer to Alice. Oh, imagine all the times I could be in this house . . . Of course, I'd have to deal with Eddo and his creepiness for a while, but how hard could that be?

"Where to?" I asked him. I guess it really depended on where.

Edward smiled, looking overly happy. "Anywhere for you, my little Alabaster faerie." His voice came out dreamy, and he put a cold hand on my chin, lifting it slightly. I shivered at his attempt to be dazzling. "There is no need to be nervous, my pet. I will protect you for eternity."

My eyebrow twitched. _Me,_ nervous? For _him_? I made a slight gagging sound.

"What has offended you, Bella? I shall tear said offender into pieces and bury them into the four corners of the earth for you."

Huh?

"Please remove yourself from this bed, it is far too bouncy and I fear for your safety." He grabbed my hand and brought me to my feet in one sweeping motion.

I am so fucking confused right now. Why is he talking like that?

"We should never be apart!" He squealed, clamping his arm around me in an embrace.

Okay, no.

I pushed my face away from his chest with all my force, only to move nowhere. "Edward! Release me!" I commanded.

Edward loosened his grip, and I took the chance to stand as far away from him as possible. This guy is weird and I didn't care if he brought me closer to Alice or not; I never wanted to touch him again.

"Bella?" He asked, looking very confused.

I scoffed. This guy did _not_ pick up on social cues. "Forget the date, Edward."

Edward gawked for a moment, his face crumpling into displeasure. "I'm not sure what I have done. Do you not like me?"

I took a deep breath.

It was time to let him down easy.

"You're tacky and I hate you."

Edward's face looked incredulous, as if he was questioning the truth in my words. Then it became horrified, such as one would look if they were standing in front of an oncoming truck. And then, slowly, it became very sad.

"I knew I was a monster." He said, looking down at his feet.

He looked so pathetic that I felt a pang of sympathy for him. I kind of wanted to cheer him up.

I edged closer to him and put my hand on his arm. "Maybe you should get a cat." I suggested, in the most gentle tone I could muster.

Edward sighed, grimacing in self-loath. "I already have five." He murmured. He looked so melancholy, in his all black attire with his recently-rejected aura. What else could I do? I was pretty shit at this type of stuff.

"I'm sure they love you." I said, rubbing his arm slightly.

Edward frowned, suddenly jerking his arm away from me. "Nobody understands me!" He growled, storming out the door.

Holy crap, what a turn around. Bye?

God, what a girl.

Telling myself I wouldn't deal with the PMS-ing brother, my attentions turned back to Alice. She'd been gone for a long time.

I decided to check on her, wondering if she had crawled under a rock or something. I knocked on the bathroom door.

"Alice?" I called.

The door opened, revealing a very confused sexy-pixie-Alice-iWantHer-trynottodrool-Cullen.

Her hair positively looked like she just had lots of vigorous sex, and I could see the inside of the bathroom was, well . . . broken; kind of.

Alice's voice came out in a huff.

"Bella."

* * *

**Shout out to all of you who review; it's amazing how many this story has gotten. **

**I mean, I just started it for shits and giggles; but you guys seemed to enjoy it so I'll continue :D**

**Thanks!  
**


	9. Variations of Fuck

**Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Alice's point of view. **

**Finally, you can see what _she_ thinks about all of this.**

**Warning, lot's of swearing in this chapter. Not that you'd mind :P**

**Edit: LOL thanks to j yellow for helping me catch a stupid mistake. I completely forgot that Alice and Jasper aren't dating in this fic, and I stupidly put in an innuendo in this chapter. Off to fix it now :)  
**

**

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**

Alice's POV

It looked peculiar. Very peculiar; and if I described it any further I would be in danger of throwing up again.

I didn't even know vampires _could_ throw up.

Either way, the pizza that I had chewed, swallowed, and pretended to ingest; was now being flushed down the toilet.

I can't believe I got pressured into eating human food.

It was a moment of panic, from the too-observant human girl that was sitting in my room.

I shouldn't have invited her over - I should have suggested we go to her house; I had only invited her over because Edward was so keen on getting to know her.

And then she made me eat.

Gah.

I was very close to telling Bella that I'd rather have _her_. She was by far the smelliest human I've ever encountered - smelly in a good way, of course. Well, technically a bad way.

A good way for me, and a bad way for her.

Fuck it. In simple terms: I wanted to eat Bella. Really badly.

Like, God damn. _Om Om Om_ . . .

No, I would control myself. I wasn't like my brother who had been so close to losing control twice in his Bio class now - I could control my thirst. Regardless if Bella smelled yummy. Like bacon.

Speaking of the devil, I could smell Edward closeby right now. He must be watching her. I wouldn't be surprised, seeing as I knew he had left the other night to go watch her sleep. He brought a can of oil with him, and I absolutely did not want to know what he was planning to do with it.

_"Hey,"_ I could hear Edward say to Bella.

Hmm, I better give him his time with her. I'll just . . . chill.

Damn, I am such a great sister.

My eyes rubbered around; I was bored. What's there to do in a bathroom, anyways? I've never been in this one - there'd never been a need. Like the other four bathrooms in the house, this one was purely cosmetic. It was to make us look human; because to my knowledge, humans shat daily.

I was eavesdropping on their conversation, and face-palmed myself when I heard Edward's use of Alabaster faerie. He was such a dork.

_Don't get ahead of yourself!_ I screamed mentally, hoping he was paying enough attention to hear me.

I quickly screened the future, seeing if Edward would actually get anywhere with Bella.

My vision flitted through scenes of Bella rejecting a flabbergasted Edward, and then ended with Edward in his room, petting his cats. I sighed. Too bad, that boy was so lonely these days. At least I was getting quite a few scarves and hats, seeing as Edward had taken up knitting in the past few decades. I'd never wear them because they were ugly and he had no sense of color-coordination, but I always appreciated the gesture.

I scanned Bella's future, for lack of anything else to do, and immediately froze.

I would have shat if that were bodily possible for me.

What. The. Fuck.

I scanned it again and again.

And again.

This couldn't be right.

The vision I was looking at - the vision playing before my eyes . . .

Not possible.

I played it again for good measure.

_Bella was sitting on her couch, reading some book called Twilight. The doorbell rang and she got up reluctantly to answer it. _

_She opened the door, coming face to face with _me_. _

_"Bella," I said, clearly unsure of whatever it was I'd gone over to do._

_The brunette stood in front of me, opened mouthed. Much to my future self's surprise, she squeezed her eyes tightly and pinched herself. Perhaps she was trying to see if she was dreaming? _

_Bella closed the door on my face. _

_I could hear - not that she knew I could hear - her slap herself before opening the door again and smiling brightly. _

_"ALICE WHAT A COINCIDENCE; HI I WAS JUST WORKING OUT WHILE DONATING TO MY FAVOURITE CHARITY WHILE TALKING TO THIS OTHER CHICK." She blurted out. _

_I laughed softly. What a liar. _

_My future self didn't mind that she lied, I actually thought it was endearing. _

_"Bella," I said again, inviting myself in. I knew Charlie wasn't home, and I also knew that Bella didn't mind. _

_"I tried not to," I started, starting to look unsure again. My eyes flitted around the room, landing on her face; landing on the dark eyes that my future self seemed to think were lovely. "But I think I understand now. I think . . ." I trailed off. _

_I reached out and took Bella's hand, hearing her heartbeat racing, feeling her warmth seeping through my cold fingers. "I think I love you." A smile tugged at my lips, as I heard the words for myself.  
_

What the actual fuck.

Right.

Okay, okay, calm down Alice, calm down. Think of oceans, think of flowers, think of Bella- shit; I mean, think - fuck. Fuck.

The counter which I was leaning on cracked.

Crap.

I grabbed onto the towel rack behind me, only to squeeze it so hard that it bent to the shape of my fingers.

Oops.

Breathe.

Decisions change all the time - I should know that more than anyone.

This doesn't have to happen. It's not inevitable.

The wall underneath my fist started crumbling.

Fucking fuckity fuck! I needed to stop breaking shit.

_Okay, think it through. _

It was a vision, not reality.

In reality you're an uncooked spaghetti noodle - straight. In reality, Bella is a clumsy girl that stares at you all the time even though you pretend not to notice. She's a _human_.

In reality you're talking to yourself.

God damn fucking McFuck.

This is_ my _decision. I can change it if I want. And I _want_ to change it, thus I _am_ changing it.

That should affect the outcome.

I squeezed my eyes shut and scanned the vision again.

_I reached out and took Bella's hand, hearing her heartbeat racing, feeling her warmth seeping through my cold fingers. "I think I love you. Forever and ever and ever and ever." A smile tugged at my lips, as I heard the words for myself.  
_

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

How in the hell did I make that cheesier?

Fucking sakes Jesus fucking Christ fucking milk man of fucking cowfuckinggoddamncockfuck shit!

Oh my God, I think I've developed tourettes.

Bella could _not_ be the one to boil my noodle. Could she?

I ran my fingers through my hair, creating chaos on my head.

There was a knock on the door. I knew it was Bella before I heard her voice.

"Alice?"

The overhanging edge of the counter broke off as I braced myself.

Deep, unneeded, dead, breath.

I opened the door, coming face to face with the girl that was unknowingly ruining my future.

I tried to keep my voice steady. I tried not to think of what I had just seen. It didn't matter. I would push it aside.

Instead I focused on the bacon in front of me.

"Bella."

* * *

**There, this was for keeping you guys waiting. Two chapters in one day! Hooray!**

**It was also for all of you who were complaining that it seemed like there was no Bellice going on. **

**I not only shot down Edward, but planted a seed for Alice. All in one day. Magical. **

**I appreciate the reviews - please tell me what you like/dislike. **

**I'll cater my writing to your thoughts. Always do! :)  
**


	10. Manipulation and Wrong Impressions

**Alright, another installment! I have ideas for the next few chapters, and this needed to be a filler but it was really hard to write. **

**I did what I do to overcome any writer's block, and just forced myself to write. Soo . . . sorry :)**

**

* * *

**

"So what'chu thinking about?" Asked Bella.

She was sitting on the rug, bits and pieces of papers all around her because she insisted we make a collage for the project. I had quickly realized that she was dangerous (and very unskilled) with scissors in her hand, and so we took to making a skit instead. Soon after that, it was apparent that Bella could not act for shit, even if she had no lines - something we tried, but also failed. Thus we created a dance. One lamp, and two accidentally smacks to my face later, it was clear dancing would not be an option. Our project was destined to be poopyshit. How was I supposed to fall in love with a girl that was so . . . so _incompetent_!

I sat on the bed, hands balled into fists; trying to control my vampiric gag-reflex. I seriously needed to barf again.

"Vomit." I replied, eyes squeezed shut.

"Why?" Bella probed.

"Feeling queasy." I replied. I think it was a mix of 'I want to eat you' and 'I want to end you before I start loving you'. I had yet to decide which.

"Are you on your period?"

"No."

"Maybe you're pregnant."

"I'm not."

"Could you be lactose?"

I closed my eyes again. What was with this strange girl and her questions? She had been asking me questions non-stop since I came out of the bathroom. 'What took you so long?' 'Is your brother gay?' 'Why is your bathroom broken?' - God, humans talked so much! Their curiosity, unending; their intelligence, always questionable. They're _humans_ - sacks of meat, bags of blood, living breakfast - _stupid_. Rargh.

"Do you have your own cat, or does your brother share them?" Bella asked.

Yes, definitely stupid.

I would have to work very hard not to go mental around this girl. Very, very hard.

...

Bella's POV

I sat on my couch, reading Twilight. I love, love, love this book, even though it didn't make sense to me. It was about some girl, who I call Pants (because readers can envision themselves in this personality-void character, just like they can put on pants), who is love with a raging God-like death machine bizzaro-mood-swing Dracula. Pants moves to a small town, afraid nobody will like her because she's so quiet and plain. She goes to school and is INSTANTLY LOVED. Dracula acts like a dick for a quarter of the book, but it is revealed he was only being a jackhole because he loves her. 600 pages of non-sex later, and we reach the non-climax, where their love is solidified.

This was the best book ever, and I wanted to read it again and again and again!

I just spent the entire day with Alice in lesboland, and now I was unwinding with a super awesome book. Today was the ideal.

There was a knock on the door, and I groaned. I knew it would be Cooper - he was the only idiot who could possibly have business with me at this time in the night.

I opened the door, half expecting stupidity.

"Can I borrow 17 eggs?" Cooper asked. I resisted the urge to shut the door in his face. Who the hell knocks on someone's door at midnight to borrow 17 eggs? And it's not even borrowing, those eggs would be used up and I would never get them back!

"No." I told him.

Cooper's eyebrows furrowed. "You don't have them?"

"Nobody has 17 eggs chillin' around their house, Coop."

He sighed. "Darn, I really wanted to bake a gigantic cake."

I raised my eyebrow. "So you can eat it for the next month?"

"No, for fun. I've gotten really good at baking since I've been off school. Do you have butter, too?"

I rolled my eyes, but let him in so he could raid my fridge. It'd be good to talk about my feelings for a bit anyways.

Cooper didn't waste time extracting every possible baking ingredient in my house, and piled them onto the kitchen counter.

"How was your day with Alice?" Cooper asked, sitting in the chair across from me. "Did you decide what you wanted to do for your project?"

I sipped the tea that I had made for Cooper and I, and nodded. "It was great. I think she really likes me, now that we're spending more time together. She tore apart her bathroom in sexual frustration, and I got to ask loads of questions."

Cooper grinned, "Sweet!"

"And the project; well, we ran through a bunch of ideas. We decided on doing a skit." I told him.

"Bella, you can't act."

"I know. Which is why I get to sit in the background and do sound effects, while she plays out a scene from Pride and Prejudice." I said proudly. Man, was I ever going to rock that scene.

"What sound effects?"

"The wind whistling, some footsteps, and a tree swaying in the wind."

"Those don't really have much sound, Bella."

I narrowed my eyes. "Shush, I'll be so great that she'll be impressed."

Cooper shrugged. "Sure, but-"

"Don't comment." I said, waving him off.

"Fine. When are you going to bang her?" He asked.

"Soon."

"How soon?"

I ran my fingers through my hair. _Not soon enough_, but I was planning on being ultra romantic around her so she'd fall into my vagina.

"I was thinking to draw her a picture of a tree. Girls love trees." I responded.

Cooper laughed, and I cut him off with a glare. "What?" I demanded.

"That's lame. You're shit at drawing."

I sucked on my bottom lip. "Yeah, but she'll appreciate the gesture. And I have Crayola crayons. Those things are bomb, and they enhance the quality of even the worst artists."

Cooper looked doubtful. "Maybe you should be more aggressive in your pursuit of her love. You know, take a more macho route."

A more macho route?

Who did he think I was? Nacho Libre?

"How?" I asked him.

Cooper fiddled with the bag of sugar in front of him, thoughtful. "Have you read that book Twilight?" He asked.

"OmiGOD YES!11!" I squealed. Oh, the fan girl inside of me is so _enthusiastic_ sometimes.

"Okay, good. Well, I've been analyzing that love story for personal use and I think I've got it all figured out. It seems to me that Pants falls in love with Dracula because he is excessively mean to her." He started. I nodded for him to go on, half seeing where this was going. "So the more you act like a douche, the more the girl likes you."

"Okay . . . continue." I prompted.

"But then Dracula reels her in by alternating between ultra-dickhead and super softie." Cooper said.

Alright, I kind of lost him.

"So what you're saying is . . .?"

Cooper grinned again, leaning over the table as he spoke with new found authority. "What I'm saying is, Bella Swan shall mind jedi Alice into liking her! You're going to act like a jerk, which will get her all confused and thinking about you; then you're going to act really nice, to get her to not hate you. And just when she thinks she's got it all figured out, you're going to rinse and repeat."

Blink.

"Sounds like an abusive relationship." I said, flatly.

"But it's gonna work." Said Cooper, defiantly. He crossed his hands over his chest, seeming to think this was foolproof.

I thought about it for a few seconds. He was right, that _would _make Alice pay attention to me. But would it make her like me?

I looked to Cooper again, who rustled his shaggy hair, and nodded reassuringly.

Well, it was worth a shot.

God, I really loved Twilight.

* * *

**Haha, I do realize I pretty much diarrhea shat on the Twilight book. It's all in jest though. I like the books, but I can also appreciate the ridiculousness of them. **


	11. It's Natural

**Interesting note of the day: This story was originally titled "Drool". **

**I had since branched off from my original story plan, and so the titled changed. **

**

* * *

**

Edward stood up hastily as I entered the Biology room, he untucked my chair like a gentleman.

"Hello, Bella." He said, smiling sweetly.

I raised an eyebrow at his weirdness, and took my seat beside him. "Hey Ed."

I could see Edward staring at me out of my peripheral, as I flipped through my bio binder.

Awks.

Edward reached into his school bag, which I could see carried nothing but a ball of yarn, a patch of carpet, and a paper.

This guy was seriously a cat.

He placed the paper face down in front of me and grinned. "I drew this for you." He said, prompting me to flip it over.

It was a picture of a tree, with him standing underneath it. His shirt was open, and his gazillion-pack was sparkling like a discoball. It made him look like a fairy.

"Psychedelic." I said, forcing myself to smile.

"Girls love trees." He told me. I wish Cooper heard that.

I folded the paper and placed into my bag, not caring where it went.

"I think we got off to a bad start," Edward said, trying to look me deep in the eye. "But we shouldn't be friends."

I shrugged. I could deal with that. "Okay."

Edward's gaze faltered a bit, then he recomposed himself. "I meant, we shouldn't be friends, but I still want to." He added quickly.

I shrugged again. I could deal with that. "Okay."

The boy's face hardened, as if he was trying to figure me out. "You're not scared of me?" He asked.

My eyes automatically did a once over of his lanky body, and took in the sweater that looked like it had been knitted 10 years ago. I bit back my laughter.

"Nope."

The grim look stayed painted on his face. "You're making this very difficult for me."

"For you to what?"

Edward's gaze fell, and I covered my chest from his pervy eyes. "To stay away from you."

"Why would that be so bad?"

Edward paused, looking all stoic and thoughtful. "I'm dangerous, Bella."

_Oh God, he's a rapist_. I fucking knew it.

"But I find myself very attracted to you." He continued.

_I'm his next victim_. Holy shit.

"I find myself, fighting various . . ._ hungers_." He touched my hand gingerly, and I pulled my hand away in horror.

Now I was the one running to the bathroom.

Maybe Cooper could deport_ him _instead.

...

Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead. Bella Swan, you are a dickhead. You will be as bi-polar as Edward, but mostly a dickhead in order to win Alice's love. I could do this.

I would be irrevocably mean to Alice Cullen.

"Hey Bella!" Alice chimed happily as she walked into class.

"Hey Alice!" I replied with equal enthusiasm, waving and grinning like a freak.

Wait. I was supposed to be douchey. Alright then.

"You suck!" I yelled at her.

That was better.

Alice scrunched up her face, then her expression turned playful again. "Actually, I blow."

I gawked. Was that a sexual joke? Are we good enough friends to make sexual jokes now? God - did that mean she's straight?

I had to work harder at this.

She walked up to our desks and I stuck my leg out to trip her. She stepped over it with grace and eloquence as if it weren't even there.

"How was your night?" She asked me.

I took a deep breath. Cooper better be right about this. "Great after I left your house." I grumbled.

"Oh, what did you do?" She asked me, not catching the intended insult.

"Uhh- I - uhh" Totally caught off guard. God damn it! "I read a book."

"What book?" She looked at me with endearing eyes and I swear I would fall off the edge of the earth. Or the edge of my seat. Which I did.

I crashed very ungracefully into her knee, which was pretty damn rock solid, and bounced onto the floor, my vision fading to black.

_I was cold, so very cold. The icy touch was emanating from my forehead, sending chills down my spine. _

_What was it? Holy fucking crow, it must be Alice! She's icy and all - who else would have that affect on me? _

_I suddenly warmed up to thought of the coldness on my forehead, knowing that Alice was touching me. _

_I embraced her touch, memorized it. I wanted it to last forever. _

_The unmoving pressure of my forehead felt indescribable. Its name was Alice. _

_Fuck yeah! _

_Should I open my eyes now? If I open my eyes, she might pull her hand away. Okay. I'll keep them closed._

_But I want to see her. _

_Mother fuck, if her hand is on my head, her boobs are probably looming over me!_

My eyes instantly shot open.

I was rewarded with the view of a million dots in the ceiling tiles.

I sat up, rather abruptly, something falling in my lap.

A fucking ice pack.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT FUCKING HELL FUCK.

"Bella!" Alice cried, suddenly engulfing me in a hug.

What? What is this? Oh, but it feel nice. Yes, Alice is hugging me. I can get used to this.

_Don't sniff, don't sniff_.

Sniff.

"Are you smelling me?" Alice pulled away, her face highly amused.

Shit. I looked away, feeling the blood rush to my face. "No."

Alice shook her head, chuckling. "Are you feeling alright?"

I looked around. We were in the infirmary, and I was sitting on the black bed. The place was familiar, since I'd been in here so many times before; but it seemed wholly different with Alice in it. My heart warmed at the thought that Alice was giving me company. Given, I would take any excuse I could to get out of English class - but this was very pleasant nonetheless.

"Fine." I replied, rubbing my forehead. I had a huge bump on it, like there was a fucking goose egg under my skin.

Alice picked up the cold compressed and place it on my head. "Try to keep that in place to stop the swelling." She instructed. I did as I was told. If she told me to ram my head into the wall, I would do that too.

I was so fucking whipped.

I didn't even have the will to be an asshole to her right now, even though it would be the perfect time. Seeing as her knee had so graciously ravaged my face . . .

"You're very clumsy." She stated, looking at my wound and seeming to hold back laughter. "And it looks like you have Mount Everest on your head."

Witty comeback?

Of course not. I very quickly realized months ago that my mind doesn't function very well in the sexy girl's presence.

"Do you want to go back to class? Mr. Cheer is doing a lesson on grammar." She asked me.

I looked at her, sitting on the bed beside me, and wondered why she would ask a question which's answer was so obvious.

I gulped, almost peed, swooned, and twitched all at the same time before I spoke.

"I'd rather stay with you."

* * *

**Working very hard, or hardly working. I don't have an explanation for why it takes me years to update.**

**Two in a day, once again. I'm on a fucking roll! :D  
**


	12. God Damn Winter

Alice's POV

Jesus fucking Christ, Bella was _pissing_ me off. In nearly a century, I have never been so annoyed.

What was her God damned problem?

It'd been two weeks since it started. Two weeks since she turned into a little scathing demon spawn from hell.

I'd initially brushed it off. Human girls PMS - I understood that.

But seriouso! What was _with_ her?

She was being as moody as Edward. Bella went from klutzy little doe-eyed bacon, to snappy catty bitch. It was like every opportunity she could, she was an asshole.

If it were only that, I think I'd understand it too.

Except it wasn't.

Because somewhere, some fucking how, she also found places to be adorably sweet. One minute she'd be making a snark comment, and the other she'd be carrying my books to my next class. Not that I wanted her to carry my books, humans move so ridiculously slow; but the gesture was appreciatory.

Bella Swan was the most confusing girl to ever walk this planet.

What was _more_ confusing, was why I cared so much. Why the fuck did I care?

Given, when a friend starts acting mentally insane, you should care.

But was that it?

No. I was sure this had something to do with my vision: the only vision, I've discovered, that I could ever see of Bella. I tried so hard to scan her future, so hard to see what her next little devil act would be - but nothing. I could not see Bella Swan's future, except for that one damned moment.

It was interesting.

It was ridiculous.

I was confused. I was confucked.

"Edward!" I called, knowing that even if I whispered it, he could still hear. It was nice to yell for no reason though - try it.

Edward appeared at my doorway in seconds. He leaned against the frame, already hearing my thoughts. "I told you Alice, I can't read her." He said.

My hands ripped through my hair. One, stupid girl, and my life was falling out of its frame.

"But you're the best at reading people, regardless." I said. He needed to help me out - didn't he see how utterly ridiculous I was becoming? This girl was a mystery. I fucking hated mysteries.

Edward shrugged. "You know as much as I do. I've tried everything, Alice. I can't figure out why she won't swoon over my rockhard abs, glittery skin, perfect, statuesque face, and gremlin hair. My foolproof charm doesn't work on her, and if _that_ doesn't work, then this girl is obviously not like normal girls."

He could say that again. He could say it again, take it to bed, and make sweet love to it.

This sucked balls.

"Alice, if she's bothering you so much, maybe you should just talk to her about it." He suggested.

I looked at the clock on my wall. It was 4am. I would see her in 4 hours. Have to deal with her in 4 hours. Maybe I _should _talk to her.

"What should I say to her? Can you help me out?" I asked him. He was good with people; he'd help me, right?

Edward shook his head. "No, I want to vacuum my Volvo again; and then I want to start another scrapbook dedicated to Bella."

I looked at him, incredulous. What a shit brother! _Are you serious_? I told him mentally.

He just shrugged again. Arse.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're good at that stuff." He said.

No, _you're_ good at it.

I groaned.

Fine. If Edward wanted to be a useless rock, then fine. He was just jealous my apparent future with Bella.

Somehow, he'd fathomed himself in love with her. 'Bella's so interesting!' 'She's really mature.' 'She's amazing.' 'She breathes!'

If only he hadn't been frozen at a pubescent age. Hell.

Okay.

I would talk to Bella. I would confront her tomorrow morning and find out what the hell she was up to.

_That_ should give me peace of mind.

...

I was ansy. Normally, I'm still. Inhumanely still.

But now I was fidgeting.

"Alice, she won't be here for another hour. It wasn't necessary to come so early." Edward complained.

I wanted to rip his hair off his scalp. His stupid hair that took him a stupid hour to style every morning. The thought made me smile inwardly - vampire hair doesn't grow. He'd be bald forever! :D

I shook the evilness out of my head. Holy. Bella had transformed me into a forever-agitated bitch.

Whatever, I would figure it all out soon enough.

In the next 60 minutes, teenagers had started pulling into the parking lot. Their incessant buzz was an unnecessary noise to my uber ears. I hissed at any humans who walked too close to us.

Finally, Edward and I heard the deep rumble of Bella's truck.

We waited until the red beast pulled into a space across the lot, and watched Bella exit the car.

She slipped on the icy ground and banged her face on her own knee.

I stifled a laugh, and Edward looked like he was going to race over there and destroy the ice for offending her.

Bella stood up, using her truck for support, and looked around to make sure nobody saw.

A smile twitched at my lips when she looked relieved that in fact, nobody did see.

"Alright, let's go." Edward said.

I slammed my hand on his chest before his foot could even leave the ground. "You're not coming." I told him. _Pffft_.

"But-" Edward started, except I couldn't hear the rest of his words because I got sucked into another vision.

_Tyler Crowley was driving his soccer-mom van at an alarming speed, pulling into the parking lot. His vehicle lost its grip over the ice, and the van was sent careering in Bella's direction. Bella, who was staring at _me _all google-eyed, did not see her impending death. _

_The van screeched as it smushed Bella into 50-million pieces. Bacon everywhere._

_"_No!_" _Edward and I cried at the same time.

Our heads whipped in the direction of Tyler's oncoming van, which was already sliding on the ice towards Bella. I snapped my eyes towards the oblivious brunette and her eyes locked with mine for a second. She was about to become minced meat.

"Move, Bella! Move!" Screamed a hysteric Tyler, who was furiously spinning his steering wheel.

Bella stood there like an idiot.

_Listen to him!_ I yelled.

This was seriously not happening.

The biggest mystery of my life was _not_ going to be squished before I solved it. Un-fucking-acceptable.

Not in this world.

Without thinking, I raced over towards Bella. I could see Edward right beside me, running to save Bella as well.

I would have rolled my eyes if the situation weren't so tragic. Instead, and much to his surprise, I shoved my hand in his face and sent him flying into the woods. Hopefully no humans saw that; they'd just think it was a gust of wind.

I was beside Bella in a heartbeat, and she was still staring at the spot I'd last stood. I stuck my arm out and stopped the van before it could touch her, the sound of metal screeching between my fingers. Bella slipped, yet again, and I caught her with one hand, my other holding the vehicle.

Deer in headlights.

That's what I was.

Bella stared up at me, looking positively dreamy and not scared at all. What an odd reaction.

God, that bump on her head was huge.

She blinked.

I could hear the screams of hundreds of students as they raced towards the scene of the accident.

Great. So, so great.

...

Bella's POV

_Holy mother of ouch_!

I almost yelled that out loud as my knee smashed into my face. I didn't even know I could bend that way.

I stood up, careful to milk my truck of any assistance it could give me.

I looked around.

Good. Nobody saw me being an idiot.

My eyes went on their usual journey towards the Cullens' spot, and I saw two horrified albinos staring at me.

God, is the bump on my head really that bad?

I locked eyes with Alice. Oh, yes. That nice feeling of locking eyes with a beautiful creature.

Wonderful.

"Move, Bella! Move!" Cried a voice in the background. I didn't pay attention to it.

No way in hell was I moving - not when I was staring at Alice Cullen.

_Swoon_.

Suddenly Alice wasn't there. Edward disappeared too.

Huh?

A huge crashing sound emanated around me, and I slipped on the ice.

I landed on a rock shaped as an arm, and metal crushed in front of my eyes.

What was happening?

I looked up to see Alice Cullen, hovering over me; eyes wide and alarmed.

I needed a second to take this in.

Her hand. Van wrapped around it.

My body. In her arm.

I almost died. . .

Blink.

She's so cute when she saves my life.

Yay!

I could hear students in the parking lot scream, and the whole place buzzed with noise.

Alice looked positively confused, as if she didn't know what she had just done. I blinked again, and suddenly Edward was next to her. He has a twig sticking out of his hair.

I stared at the two faces, side by side.

My voice was quiet when it came out.

"Hi."

* * *

**3 chapters. Don't say Sundays suck. :P**


	13. Peeping Tom

I tossed and turned in my bed. I couldn't wait for tomorrow, the need for the morning was almost explosive.

Alice promised to explain come the morning, and Lord knows I needed one.

I felt like my head was a blender, and every coherent thought was chopped up and mixed around.

Tiny little Alice saved me from huge, speeding van.

That shit was absolutely not normal.

What time was it - 3am? 4am?

It didn't matter. I knew I wouldn't get an ounce of sleep tonight.

I'd done homework - the equivalent of a sleeping pill, but ah, to no avail. I couldn't concentrate and frequently needed to pee.

I forced myself to lie still, and breathed evenly. Rest was needed and it was very, very welcome. I figured that if I pretended to sleep, I eventually would.

I was floating off in a fantastic daydream when I heard it.

That tiny scratching sound - the sound of a window being opened.

My eyes shot open, only to see Edward Cullen looming overtop of me.

Glass-breaking shriek ensues.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! EDWARD!" I screamed, gathering up my covers and curling up at the head of my bed.

Edward was frozen, stunned, and struggled to find the right words. "Bell- Bella, I thought you were sleeping!" He stuttered, quickly trying to explain.

"PERV! HOME CRASHER! RAPIST!" I cried, yelling an impressive string of curse words as well.

"Bella!" He said, holding his hands up and trying to calm me down. "Please! Don't yell-"

"COCK SUCKER!"

"You're going to wake up your dad, please, Bella!" He kept saying.

Oh, yeah - my dad was the chief of police. Good idea, Edward.

"DAD!" I called out, banging on the wall. "DAAAAAAAD!" I droned. "BRING YOUR SHOTGUN!"

Edward's eyes nearly popped out of his head, and his mouth was a big, open hole in his face.

I immediately took the chance to hurl anything and everything at the rapist.

Bedside lamp. Bedside clock. Bedside Twilight. A hammer, which was conveniently beside my bed as well.

Edward stayed in his open-mouth position, and all thrown objects hit him in the face, bouncing off uselessly.

Gee, you'd think a hammer would've done some damage, eh?

I would have to take things into my own hands. Or my feet, persay.

I jumped off the bed, and gave the Edward statue an impressively mighty kick to the nuts.

"MOTHER FUUUUU-" I groaned, falling to the floor.

Was he wearing fucking steel-plated underwear? God damn!

My ankle was exploding with pain.

_That_ seemed to wake Edward.

"Bella you need to understand. I've only been stalking you because I love you!" Edward said. He tried to help me up, but armed myself with a pillow and continued swatting him from the floor. "You're the one, Bella! You're my fragrant blossom, my heart's true marzipan, I love love LOVE you!"

I blinked. That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM YOU EMPTYHEADED, SMALL-DICKED, SCUM-SUCKING, FAIRY BOY!"

Hmm, I seemed to be really creative today.

Edward looked like he was about to say something, but just as his lips parted, I heard my doorknob twisting.

In less than a second, Edward mouthed something to me and then ran through my wall and back into the forest.

No, literally. _Through_ my wall.

He broke. My fucking. Wall.

An Edward-shaped hole was now letting the cool night air into my room.

What was it he mouthed to me?

Was it 'I love you' or 'Elephant juice?'

I didn't really care to know.

My door burst open, and my dad stormed in with his shotgun.

He was clad in only boxers, and why he was wearing sunglasses at night, I will never know.

Edward really was a rapist.

...

Now, you can imagine my surprise when Alice calls me exactly a minute after the whole Edward ordeal. I had just finished explaining to Charlie what had just happened, and why exactly there was a hole the size of Texas in my bedroom wall. He was insisting we put a restraining order on Edward, and also charge him for breaking and entering. He was also going mental over my ankle, which appeared to be sprained.

This was a very serious conversation, but you know how I get with Alice - completely retarded.

I stopped in the middle of my hysteric ranting, and answered my cellphone; much to my father's displeasure.

"Bella!" Said the other voice quickly.

Oh, Alice. Your voice hath retarded effects on mine heart.

"Bella!" She repeated. "I know you're there, and I know what just happened with Edward. Please, I need you to _trust me_, okay?"

"Okay," I said.

"_Don't_ tell your father anything."

I scrunched up my nose.

"I just told him everything."

"Oh,"

"Sorry." I told her.

"Okay, take it all back." She instructed.

Like a zombie, I immediately complied. "Dad, I take it all back."

Charlie looked ridiculously confused. He was still poised with gun in ready position. "Huh?"

"Tell him you're in shock from the accident, and you thought you saw Edward in your room, but you didn't. Then, half-delirious, you had an adrenaline rush and kicked that gigantic hole through your wall because you thought a shadow was him." Alice whispered quickly. "I know it's a stretch, but you're dad will believe you."

I turned back to my dad. What was it Alice was saying? She was talking so fast . . .

I took a breath.

"Dad, I had an adrenaline rush when I saw Edward, so I punched a shadow and my foot broke. I was also half mysterious, and my shocking accident made me stretch."

Charlie lowered his gun a fraction. "Bella, honey; are you OK?" He asked from behind his mustache.

"Say no." Alice commanded.

"No."

"Tell him you're very tired and you want to go to sleep. Then in the morning, pretend that you don't remember any of it. I'll come over then." She said to me.

I feigned a yawn, and lay back on my bed.

"You're very tired and you want to go to sleep-"

"No;_ you're_ the very tired one!" Alice hissed.

"You're the very tired one." I told my dad. He looked more and more worried by the second.

"_No!_" Alice hissed again.

"No?" I repeated, not entirely sure whether to direct that to my dad or to Alice.

_Click_.

The line went dead.

Huh?

Charlie heaved a long, exaggerated sigh. "Bella, I think you've had a long day." He told me. I could tell he was tired and confused. He sat at the edge of my bed, and put his hand on my shoulder. "Maybe you should get some rest, honey."

Pulled my blankets up to my chin. "You're right dad. And I won't remember anything in morning, I promise."

Charlie made a face. Maybe I got that line wrong.

"I mean, I'll try not to?" I said, trying to fix it.

Yeah, not working.

Fuck - why couldn't Alice talk at a human speed.

Charlie looked as if he were about to say something intelligent, so I cut him off.

"- Oh, dad! I'm so tired!" I said, wrapping him in a hug.

A hug was very rare between us, and naturally, neither of us knew what to do. I had initiated the hug, but had no idea how to continue it. Charlie awkwardly patted my back and rubbed my arm at the same time. I just hung there limply.

My cellphone rang again, and I was grateful to break the embrace.

"Bella, sorry, I accidentally crushed my other phone." Alice said.

She was probably being literal. I wouldn't be surprised.

"Right, okay go to sleep now and I'll come over tomorrow to explain." She said.

"Alice?" I asked her.

"Yeah?"

I hesitated, not wanting to sound too wimpy.

"He's not coming _back_, is he?"

I could almost hear her scoff on the other line.

"No, he's not. By the time I'm done with him, he'll be lucky to walk." She reassured me.

I didn't doubt her. If Alice could stop a van, Alice could do fucking anything.

"Alright, goodnight." I said.

"Goodnight, Bella."

_Click_.

I would have sat, bathing in the words that had come from my first phone conversation with Alice. She was so lovely!

Except my father was staring at me expectantly.

"So let me get this straight," He started, running a hand through his tousled hair. "Edward was _not_ here tonight?"

I nodded.

"And you weren't being attacked."

Another nod.

"And then you punched through the wall, somehow breaking your foot, too?"

"Yes." I replied.

Charlie's eyebrows knitted. Then, after another minute or so, he shrugged.

"I'm going to bed, then." He told me. After asking me once again, if I was okay, he left my room to go to 'bed'.

I totally heard the clinking of a shot glass downstairs.

Alice better have the world's best explanation for me.

Gah, who was I trying to fool?

She could bat her eyelashes and that would be explanation enough.

Fine.

I was Alice's bitch, and Alice didn't even know it yet.

I could deal with that.

I'd just try to be extra hip around her, and then she'd love me back.

True.

And maybe I _would_ draw her that tree, after all.

Good plan, Bella Swan.

* * *

**It may not seem like it, since I've written 4 chapters in one day; but I'm having major writer's block.**

**Most of this was forced out :( **

***Just keep writing, just keep writing, just keep writing . . .* -drowns self in coffee-  
**


	14. Affinity for Danger, Attraction to Sexy

**Anyone notice how in this story, the chapters get longer and longer, and my writing style subtly changes? **

**Yeah well, it does/they do :D**

**This is extra long and meaty for all of you guys . . . have fun, I might not be able to update for a handful of days after this.  
**

* * *

"Phil is alright, don't get me wrong; I mean, he seems alright. Kind of like Han Solo meets Wolverine, but less scruffy and less hero-like. It's like Wolverine had an illegitimate love child with Beyonce, and it turned out to be Phil. He makes good Kraft Dinner, and I love Kraft Dinner. I also like pixies, Green Day, and I put ketchup on everything."

I was rambling, and I knew it. It was word diarrhea in the worst form, but I couldn't stop.

Talking about nothing was better than not talking, right?

"And Renee really loves him, and I love Renee. But he's no Charlie. And Charlie doesn't make Kraft Dinner like Phil does. I love Kraft Dinner. I also like pixies, Green Day, and I put-"

"Bella," Alice said, stopping my sentence abruptly. She was sitting on a log, rubbing her temples.

Why she chose to drive us up to this meadow in the middle of nowhere was beyond me.

We'd trekked up a mountain to get here, which was incredibly difficult on a sprained ankle. Given, she carried me the entire way up - something that was totes the most aw3some thing evar!

But still.

I really appreciated this growing friendship-thang we had going on. It gave me a chance to stare at her without using my usual stalker tactics.

I studied her face - she was beautiful beside nature. I felt all mushy inside and needed to sneeze; she was so lovely. The sun was hidden behind light clouds today, but I think she'd look super-beautiful in the sunlight. Maybe she wouldn't look so pale. God, she really was pale. She must be anemic.

Alice stood up and started walking circles in the grass, seemingly deep in thought. After a minute, a month, a year, she stopped pacing; back facing towards me.

I stared at the back of her head, milking it like it was the fucking Mona Lisa.

"I'm not sure how to start this, Bella." She said slowly, like each word had its own meaning.

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn't see me.

Hip, be _hip_. I instructed myself.

_What do hip people do?_

They smoke cigarettes, have cool hair, and badass snake tattoos. Wait, that just sounded like a convict.

Instead, I chose to lean against a nearby tree. I did my best model pose.

Sexy but casual, _right_?

Alice glanced at me over her shoulder, taking in the Bella Swan before her. Puckered-out lips, hand behind ear, and huffed out chest.

She burst out laughing, and I grinned sheepishly, not really knowing what the joke was.

"You're making it difficult for me to be serious." Alice said, walking closer to me. She smiled, searching my face before looking down at her own feet. "You must have a lot of questions." She said quietly.

I nodded again. I totally did.

_Will you marry me?_ - wait, that shouldn't be the first one.

_Will you fuck me?_ - hold on, not that one either.

Either way, I wanted her in vitro-fertilized babies. Huh, that sounds creepy in my head.

"I do," I started, hoping Alice would look up at me again. I freakin' loved her eyes. "First thing's first-"

_Twaaaaack_

The branch I'd been leaning on gave way and I fell through the foliage. I could barely see Alice's head snap upwards before I started tumbling down the hill with an "Oof!"

I think I hit every possible obstacle on the way down.

Yep, it seemed like me.

Rock.

Tree.

Rock.

Log.

Tree.

Tree.

Alice.

Tree.

Alice.

Alice?

My tumble stopped abruptly, and for the second time in only two days, I was in Alice's arm again. Regardless of the fact that I had literally just fallen off a mountain, and that my body ached like pokey bones and car-accidents; this was . . . nice. My head spun, and I was seeing three Alice Cullens.

Triple the sexiness.

_I like_.

"Oh God, Bella are you hurt?" She asked. Her concern for me felt incredible, like I was her Bon and she was my Qui Qui.

"No."

That was lie. I'm pretty sure every bone in my body was mush.

Alice spoke quickly. "I should've got here faster, you caught me by surprise. I mean, I shouldn't have been surprised, since you're shit on your feet, but-"

"You were good." I reassured her, choosing to omit the fact that she was not only fast, but it was like she freakin' teleported to my aid. Yes, I'd definitely have to ask her about that little tid bit.

Alice squeezed her eyes shut, and shook her head carefully. "You are _so_ prone to death and dying." She told me.

"I haven't done either, yet." I said, grinning. _Finally_ my mind was letting me be whimsical.

This causes her to laugh, and I laugh too because she's laughing; and good God, I wanted to record that sound and replay it for eternity. Or until I died or went deaf, at least.

"Can you stand?" She asked me, and I nodded.

At least I thought I could.

Alice lifted me to my feet with literally, just her pinky, and the movement took me no effort. She must be good with her fingers.

"Great, you're in one piece." She said, seeming happy that I hadn't yet forced my own doom upon myself. "So about that question?" She prompted.

"Oh, right." I started.

I took a wobbly step towards her, stepped on a rock, rolled my ankle, yanked her hair while trying to grab something for balance, and then fell face first into the mud.

This conversation was making absolutely no progress.

...

It was a lot to take in. It was _too_ much to take in.

I was a tiny fish in a huge ocean, and Alice was BP oil spilling all over my shit.

Alice Cullen - _all _the Cullens, they were . . . they were . . . Well, I didn't know what they were. Alice hadn't gotten to that part yet.

But holy fucking moly they were _something_.

Super strength, super speed, super-uber beauty.

They drank blood.

_Blood_!

I didn't want to look unattractive by barfing, but that's exactly what I wanted to do.

Fucking _BLOOD!_

_BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!  
_

"- and we have to hunt every week, so that we don't get tempted to kill humans." She continued.

My mouth hung open like a big fucking cave.

Alice sighed. She looked at me, and for once, looked unsure of the future. "All in all, you smell great and I want to eat you."

"Oh, shit. I mean, that's cool but I didn't even shave-" I started, suddenly insecure.

"Huh?"

Blink.

Oh, not that kind of eating.

"Alice," I said, apprehensive as to how I was to go about. To my knowledge, drinking blood was entirely the anti-normal. I guess it could be like eating raw meat, right? Or even raw fish. Tons of people eat sushi. _I _eat sushi. Maybe we weren't so different. Then again, my persuasion skills needed to be polished. "No lie; that's kind of scary." I told her, behind completely honest.

Girl of your dreams wants to eat you.

In a non-sexual, and utterly fatal way.

The idea hadn't grown on me.

I don't even think there's a fetish category for that.

Alice nodded, and took care to keep all her movements slow and precise - as not to scare me even more. "I know, Bella. I would be lying if I said I wasn't dangerous."

My eyes widened at a sudden realization. "Your brother was trying to eat me last night!"

Alice's serious face became amused, and she laughed. "No, trust me. He's just kind of retardedly in love with you."

Well, I knew _that. _He'd made that part very, explicitly clear. "Why?"

The pixie's expression looked borderline troubled. But it seemed like she'd been through this conversation before, many times.

"I'm not really sure," She admitted. "I mean, despite your incredible plainness, stupidity, and klutzhood, he's started to see you as hot, firing shit. He think's you're interesting, and wants to piece you together-"

"Like a puzzle?" I interjected.

"Umm- yeah. Like a jigsaw puzzle,"

"Or one of those 3D foam-puzzle things." I offered.

"Yeah, that too-"

"Even a Sudoku puzzle,"

"-I freakin' love those things!" Alice squealed.

"-ME TOO!" I shrieked back.

It was almost funny, because we considered hugging in that one moment of commonality. Our arms reached out, our faces in pure bliss, and our bodies moved towards each other. You can even cue the inspirational music, because this hug was gonna be EPIC-

But then we froze - our arms were still outstretched towards each other like idiots.

This was due to the fact that a minute ago, Alice Cullen had casually told me that she'd really rather suck the fluid out of a human, than have a good ol' American steak.

Maybe we'd hug later.

Alice was the first to let her hand fall back into her lap. "So, yeah . . . Edward loves you and will literally spend eternity protecting you."

"Pffft," I scoffed. "Boy's only want one thing." I said. We all knew his _real _intentions.

Alice shrugged. "Oh, I actually don't think that applies to him. He'd rather lie chastely in a field with you, legs bent at an awkward angle. And then you could ride in his Volvo and he'd let you meet his cats."

Somehow I believed every word this girl was saying. And then I giggled - I was picturing Edward going 'hunting'. My imagination showed me Edward, cuddled in the fetal position with a big, brown bear. They were stroking each other's fur - _er_, well he was stroking the bear's fur, and the bear was stroking Edward's haystack hair.

"What's a marzipan?" I asked, remember what Edward had said a few hours ago.

"I dunno," She answered, honestly. Her lips were curled back in a half-smile.

"Please stop staring at the bump on my head." I requested, following her eyes.

"Sorry." She answered sheepishly.

"I said stop." I told her again. Gosh, didn't she know insecure I was around her?

"It's huge and you look like your forehead is pregnant."

"Thanks." I muttered.

This was probably the closest to angry I'd ever get around Alice.

Then she unknowingly batted her eyelashes.

It's ridiculous how easy I forgave her.

After a moment, Alice spoke up again. "So aren't you going to ask what we are?" She prompted.

_How about retardedly hot and the most amazing girl on this planet?_

Instead I shrugged. "What are you?" I asked.

"Think about it, Bella." She said. Clearly she wanted me to come up with this on my own. What the heck did _I_ know?

Alright, alright; I'll give it another shot. I began to process it in my head.

Her and her family want to eat me. But they usually eat animals. They're very cold. They have super-Sayan powers. They hunt regularly. And then something about her being too beautiful for me to pay attention? "So what you're saying is . . ." I trailed off.

"Yes." Stated Alice.

"You mean to tell me that you and your family are. . ."

Alice urged me on with slow nods.

"You guys are . . ."

"_Say it_." Whispered Alice.

I took a big breath.

A big, whopping breath.

Okay.

"_from Canada_?" I finally piped.

Alice's mouth went to East Mexico and had a few tequilas.

"You're joking, right?" She asked me, looking as if she hoped I was.

Oops, wrong answer?

"Yes," I supplied quickly.

Okay, not Canadian.

"Radioactive?" I guessed again.

Alice suddenly grabbed my hands. "Bella," She said, very, very seriously. "We drink _blood_. Think about every single blood-drinking stereotype you have ever heard. You _know_ this."

Well hell, now she was getting me to think about weird rituals and horror flicks.

"It starts with a 'V'," She prompted, again.

Van Helsing? Vicious? Vehicle?

"And ends with 'ampire'," She continued after my non-answer.

It was very simple to stare into her eyes and not answer her question.

Very simple, and very pleasant.

I was very seriously questioning my inability to talk right now, but it was just peachy, considering she was holding my hands.

"God damn, Bella! We're VAMPIRES!" She cried, losing her patience.

Some birds flitted away in the distance.

"Oh," Escaped my lips before I let them.

Okay.

Alice was a vampire.

A very sexy, goddess-like vampire.

O-M-G this was just like Twilight!11!1!

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**Thanks for getting me to 100 reviews guys :) That's like, a milestone for me haha. **

**Awesome shit, you deserve cake or tea or something. Maybe Cooper should bake you some feel-good cookies :)**

**Also: Can you guys do a tribal dance or something, to help me out of my w's block?  
**


	15. Shrek is Back

**Another chapter! Heeeere comes Jacob. I wasn't planning on including him in this because I hate the whole "stay away from the Cullens" speech he gives in every fic. But hell. **

**I try to keep the character list as short as possible, hence the cutting out Bella's annoying friends part. :)**

**This was my least favourite chapter to write, because there were minimal ways to include humor in it. Sorry.  
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Surprisingly, I was not confused.

Alice was a vampire - she had made _that_ clear-cut and idiot proof.

So, with the day still young and the sun edging out from behind the clouds, I was ready for my reunion with Jacob Black. Charlie had called earlier and to tell me that Jacob had come back from his year-long nature hike (to apparently get in touch with his nature spirit) and was now in the house with Billy.

Oh Jacob; sweet, sweet Jacob. I missed him - that little, scrawny, boy from my past. We were good friends, to say the least.

I was walking up my driveway, and I could see my front door starting to open. I was gonna crush him in a hug.

Him being shorter than me, and his arms being noodle-like, I always loved to squish him.

Squish, squish, squish goes the tiny, shrimpy Jacob; _squish, squish_-

Freeze.

"HOLY CRAP ARE YOU ON STEROIDS?"

Automatic response.

You can't blame me. Jacob was HUGE, holy shit. What the fuck happened to him? He was huge, shirtless, ab-tastic, and entirely not my tiny, shrimpy Jacob.

Steroid-Jacob grinned at me from the porch. "Bella!" He said, running up to me and swallowing me in a hug.

"Jacob, what happened to you? It's only been a year and you look like you've hit puberty multiple times! You're like the anti-Bieber!" I squealed from underneath the bear hug.

"Growth spurt." He replied, releasing me but swinging his arm around my shoulder.

"It's like you ate an ogre." I whispered. I don't know why I whispered it, but he heard me anyways and chuckled.

Billy came out of the house, wheeling on his wheelchair like a pro. Charlie followed behind, and it was an epic reunion. We were one big happy family.

"Bella, gosh; why are you covered in mud? And you have a rock caked to your face." Charlie said, immediately concerned. Jacob plucked the rock away, probably taking half my skin with it, and flicked it into our garden patch. How did I not notice that?

I shrugged. "I fell off a mountain."

"That would explain it." Said Jacob.

"And then I rolled my ankle on a rock and tripped again." I said sheepishly.

"Typical." Said Jacob, grinning once more.

"I really want cake." I told everyone. "Hi Billy."

Billy waved his hellos; and everyone hello-ed multiple times to make the reunion more epic. Ogre-Jacob didn't stop hugging me, Charlie might have shed a tear, and Billy did a wheely.

Like I said, _epic_.

I cooked a feast when we were inside, and Billy and Charlie were watching the game in the living room. By feast, I mean toast, toast, and salad. Not much of a chef. We always end up ordering pizza one way or another. Jacob and I had a touchy-feely moment when we exchanged 'I missed you's and the gang ate dinner in gleeful conversation.

God, when did my life get so peachy?

...

I was scratching off the mud from my arms in the backyard. Shower? No, that's a silly idea.

"_Bella_," Said Jacob, suddenly looking alert. "What is that. . . that _smell_?"

"Probably me." I said. Still not showering.

Jacob shook his head, looking very serious. "No, it's . . . it's not you. It's _something_ else." He sneered, standing up and looking very much like he was ready to fight-a-bitch.

Well, we all know that steroids can make angry men.

"No, I really think it's me. I was hiking with Alice all day, probably perspired and shit . . ."

"Alice?" He said, suddenly his attention was piqued.

I shrugged. "Yeah, Alice Cullen; we were hiking and-"

"Don't hang out with the Cullens." He said quickly.

"Why not?"

"They're dangerous." He warned.

"I _know _that, but-"

"Please, Bella. Just don't interact with them." He said again, putting his monster arm on my shoulder. "They're bad people and they can only bring you trouble."

My eyebrows furrowed.

Fuck you.

"They're not bad," I told him adamantly. "I mean, I've really only met Alice and Jasper, and their other brother is a rapist, though he's in love with me so I guess that's okay. But they're still not bad people!- er, things."

"They're the last people you want to love you." Jacob growled. God, I couldn't understand why he was so pissy all of a sudden.

I shook his hand off my shoulder. "You don't even know them, Jacob!" I snapped back.

"I know what they are, Bella."

"-so do I!" I yelled at him.

There was a moments deliberation on his part, and his face hardened. His pecks did a little dance (or maybe that was my imagination) before he responded again.

"You do?"

I nodded furiously. "Yes, I do. And I'm okay with it." I said. I seriously was. The Cullens are vampires - sheesh, no big deal. Teenagers go through a lot these days, eh? Puberty, peer pressure, Lady GaGa; the list goes on and on.

His eyes narrowed, and huffed out his shiny, waxed chest. "How can you be _okay_ with it?"

"I just _am_. Why do you hate them so much?" I asked. I seriously needed to understand this, at least before I told him about my bright bright future with Alice. "And cool tattoo." I added, indicating his arm.

"Gee, thanks; Sam Uley did it."

"It's real nice. Intricate and shit."

"I know, I was pretty impressed."

"It looks badass."

"It feels badass."

"Do you have more?"

"Nope."

"Shame."

"AND I HATE THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE MONSTERS!" He continued, suddenly looking like he was going to punch something.

The yelling match goes on.

"They're good monsters and they're uber-beautiful! They've never done anything to you!"

"They've done enough." He grunted through his teeth.

I crossed my arms. "Like _what_?"

Jacob closed his eyes. He took a few even breaths before looking at me again. "Bella, I've changed." He started.

Hell yeah, he changed. He went from shrimp to shark in like, 12 months.

"I'm . . . I'm different."

"How so?"

Jacob grabbed his chair, and gripped it so tight that his knuckles went white.

"I'm a werewolf, Bella."

Great. More mythical creatures. Was it crazy that I was believing these things right off the bat?

"A werewolf?" I repeated.

"Yes. Werewolf." He replied. "There, I said it. Sam will have my head for it, but you need to know."

"So what do werewolves do?" I asked.

"We turned into wolves. To kill vampires."

"You turn into a wolf?"

Jacob screwed up his face, and then suddenly he was blushing. "Uhh- yeah, well; we're supposed to. Sam and the others do."

"What do _you_ turn into?"

"Uhh- I'm supposed to be a wolf too. I'm just having trouble with my shifting . . ."

I raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"Well, I'm still working on it. It's a little bit embarrassing."

"I'm not following you." I replied.

"I turn into a-"

"Coyote?" I offered.

"No," He said, looking off to the side. "A hamster."

"A what?"

"A hamster."

Blink.

"Like the ones that fit in your palm?" I asked.

Jacob nodded. "Yeah. Those ones."

Right.

That's really, really weird.

". . . So when you turn into-"

"A hamster," Jacob interjected.

"Yes; when you turn into a hamster . . . You go and kill vampires?"

"It's moreso like a gerbil. But yes. We rip them to shreds with our teeth."

"But how can you do that, if you're so small?"

"-I'M WORKING ON IT." He barked.

Hmm, must be a touchy subject.

"Can I see?"

Jacob blinked at me. "See what?"

"You transform, or downsize - whatever you call it."

"Shifting. And no."

"Why not?"

"It's embarrassing. When I get it right, I'll show you."

Well that's disappointing.

"Fine."

Jacob clapped his hand on my shoulder and smiled a small smile. "I'll show you something else that's cool though."

"Okay, what is it?"

Jacob went to a nearby tree, ripped off a branch, and handed it to me. "Hit me in the face." He said, grinning goofily.

I dropped the branch.

"Absolutely not, Jacob."

"No, trust me: it's cool."

Hmm.

Well he did look really excited. fine.

I picked up the branch again, and whacked him in the head.

_*Bonk*_

He seemed unfazed by it, but there was a gash along his forehead.

"God, I've hurt you!" I said, throwing down my weapon and reaching up to touch his wound.

Instead of clutching his head and crying, like I would have done, he just grinned. "Nah, just watch."

Right. There was blood trickling down his head because I was stupid enough to hit him with a chunk of wood. I ran into the house to get bandaids.

Never mind that they were Dora bandaids, he was BLEEDING!

I ran back outside, tumbling down the backyard steps but somehow turning it into a ninja roll, and went back to inspecting his face.

Except there was nothing. Not a scratch on his pretty little head.

"Wow." I said.

"Hamster healing abilities." He said triumphantly.

"Oh my fuck, that's awesome." I said.

I reached out to touch the should-have-been wound, but instead of a soft caress, my clumsy fingers jammed into his eye.

"OH GOD, GOOD FUCKING GOD!" He screamed, doubling over. "IT BURNS!"

"Oops."

Jacob was holding his eye, and maybe crying a little. "What the hell, Bella!"

"Sorry, it was an accident."

Sheesh, I crack his face with a branch and he's cool. A poke in the eye? Apparently not.

"I'm sensitive!" He said, blinking a bunch.

I let him cry for a few more moments, and stood there watching him. Him and his macho-ness.

He seemed alright after a bit.

"So, yeah. I heal really fast. Isn't it cool?" He asked me.

No lie. That was the coolest thing ever.

"Totally." I said. I eyed the branch on the ground with a certain evilness; Jacob must've saw me.

"Wanna do it again?" He asked.

I beamed.

"Yes."

Thus I spent the next fifteen minutes whacking him head. Jacob let me hit him with all kinds of stuff - frying pans, crowbars, a hammer. His face was like steel; he was Superman! In an aboriginal/Mexican way. When else do you get to beat someone up for fun?

At this point it was too cool to not not call Cooper over, and so he rush over to play with ogre-Jacob as well. We whacked him repeatedly, going all Chris Brown on his ass. We were also laughing like maniacs - all three of us.

I wondered what this would look like from the outside view.

Probably fucking retarded.

"Do you want to stab me?" Jacob asked, as we both watched the blood get sucked back into his arm. "It doesn't even hurt."

"Yes!" Cooper and I squealed in unison.

"Well, go get a knife!" He said, with equal enthusiasm.

If we weren't talking about stabbing, you'd think we'd belong in PleasantVille.

I returned with a large kitchen knife. It kind of felt weird and out of place, but Jacob said it didn't hurt - right?

"This is the coolest part," He said, getting ready. "Sometimes when I do it though, I accidentally shift."

I giggled at the mental image of me stabbing him, then _*poof*-_ him turning into a hamster.

"Ready?" I asked.

Jacob nodded, and I nodded back to him because it made me feel cool; and then Cooper nodded even though he wasn't part of the nodding party.

This is so awesome. This is the awesomest thing ever!

I wound up my arm, and was ready to strike when I heard a yell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Charlie's voice called out, and I had time to turn my head before he tackled me to the ground.

He rolled around, grabbed the knife, threw it in the opposite direction, and then wrestler-jumped on top of me.

"Dad! I can explain-"

...

I fidgeted in the doctor's office. Doctor Cullen was flipping through papers; his amazingly-beautiful-vampire earlobes were particularly interesting, and so I studied them.

Today suck suck sucked.

Of course, Charlie didn't believe me when I tried to explain my almost-stabbing of Jacob Black, my childhood best friend.

And I really, _really _tried.

I told him how I was only stabbing Jacob because it was fun, and that Cooper and I had hit him with a crowbar/frying pan/chunk of wood/hammer multiple times because he magically healed. I explained that how since Jacob was a rodent shapeshifter, this was OK; and that he only told me about his werewolf-ness because I already knew that the Cullens were vampires. I also told him that if he'd uncuff me, I wouldn't do anything stupid.

Naturally, he didn't believe a word I said. Not even my shrieks to confirm my sanity.

Hmm.

So here, I was; sitting in Dr. Cullen's office being checked if I was batshit crazy.

Charlie brought Cooper and I to the Station beforehand, because he thought it'd be good if we "busied ourselves" so we wouldn't be "too bored" and do "something mad". So here was the verdict: Since technically, we didn't do anything wrong - Jacob seemed perfectly fine, no one seemed troubled except for Charlie, and even Billy didn't want to make a big deal about it; we were sentenced to two hundred hours of community service.

Two hundred hours. Of community slavery. For doing nothing!

Oh my God, just enroll me in the fucking military God damn it. That's, what?- 8 consecutive days of my life wearing a vest and cleaning up the streets! And that's only if I don't sleep, don't eat, don't pee, don't live my life. Fucking killy-killy stab me.

I told my side of the story to Dr. Cullen, who didn't seem to think I was crazy (thank God), but also didn't sympathize with me much. Perhaps for my father's sake, he assigned Cooper and I separate therapy every weekend in this hospital. Damn this world!

My life is retarded. My event list of the past two days were retarded:

My home gets invaded; I climb a mountain; vampires exist; werewolves exist; I almost stab Jacob; I get in trouble with the "law"; I am declared mentally unstable; and I fucking still haven't fucked Alice.

My life is worse-paced than a porno.


	16. Death by Slug

**Another chapter! **

**I promise Alice is coming up soon . . . I just had to get Jacob and some other things out of the way, first. Enjoy!  
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"Cooper I'm _sorry_." I pleaded, trying to get him to look at me. He wasn't having it.

"You're absolutely not sorry. You planned it this way!" He growled, angrily.

Ugh, why did he have to be so sensitive?

"You think I planned to trip over your broom, somersault into the stop sign, then stumble back and squish your slug?" I said, incredulously. "I would never hurt your slug." _Your stupid, slimey, ugly slug_.

"You already did hurt him. You killed him, Bella! You hated him from the moment I rescued him from the mud." He complained.

I rolled my eyes - he was such a baby.

"You didn't _rescue_ him, the slug was bathing in the mud. Slugs bathe in mud!" I argued back. This was ridiculous.

We were cleaning the roadsides for today's shift, when Cooper had found 'Bob' the slug. Initially I was okay with it - boys like ugly earth creatures, right? But then he played with it for an hour.

He let it ride on his shoulder for a good hour, and it was grossing me out so I knocked it to the ground. Then, of course, Cooper dropped his broom which I tripped over, leading me through a series of events that eventually killed Bob. I killed Bob. Big deal!

"Whatever. Clean the roads by yourself." He muttered, walking away from me.

I scoffed. He wasn't seriously gonna leave me here to do this shit without him. He would come back.

Surely.

Right?

He's gonna turn back now.

Like, right now.

Now?

Cooper?

"Come back!" I yelled at him. He waved me off with the middle finger and continued down the road.

Fine! God damn it, I was going to beat his ass when I got home.

It was getting pretty late anyways, and it would be dark soon. I was done with this.

I sat down on a roadside log, and took a Snickers bar from my vest pocket. I didn't need Cooper, I just needed chocolate.

Maybe I'd drive to Alice's house on my way back. I really hadn't talked to her since that vampire confession thing, I just hadn't the time.

Suddenly, I was aware of a man walking towards me. I swear these roads were empty, I should've seen him coming before. He had long hair in a ponytail, fairly ragged clothes, and a dirty face. It wasn't until he stood in front of me that I noticed his eyes were blood red.

"Look what we have here, _a snack_." He said, with an amused grin on his face.

I cradled my Snickers bar closer to my stomach.

"Look, I know that you're a hobo, but I seriously need this comfort food and I have no cash on me." I said to him. This seemed to catch him off guard because his amusement flickered to slight confusion and I continued. "I'm not sure if there's a soup kitchen around here, but maybe you should check that out. Also, I think you have pink eye."

"Wait, wait; I'm not a hobo." He protested. "And I don't have pink eye."

"Dude, your eyes are like, bloodshot. Unless you're high, in that case you really shouldn't spend your money on drugs, you should spend it on food."

"I don't do drugs-" He said quickly.

"Well neither did my cousin Phil, and now Phil lives with Rory and they watch Jersey Shore all day because they know if they leave the house they'll just go out and buy drugs. So my dad, Charlie goes out and tells them-"

"Stop!" He growled.

"You're right. We don't even know each other. What's your name?"

"James."

My eyebrows flew up. "James? That's so ironic, I used to have a goldfish named James. He died though. I think it's because Cooper fed him hamburger this one time-"

"You are the most annoying human, ever." He hissed, closing his eyes. "I shall now eat you."

"Huh?"

"You smell delicious and I want to eat you. _Om Om Om_!"

"Wait!"

"_What?_" James asked, getting impatient.

"My dad's the chief of police. He'll arrest you." I warned him.

James laughed heartily. "I doubt that."

"And my almost girlfriend is a vampire. She'll probably annihilate you." I said.

"Another vampire, eh? What's her name?"

"Alice Cullen."

"A Cullen, huh?"

"You know them?"

"Played ball with them. They're bitches. Kicked us off the field because I ate Edward's girlfriend."

"No way." I said.

"No, I totally did."

"I always thought Edward was gay." I told him.

James shrugged. "I know what you mean. Hey, do you mind if I film this?"

"What?"

"Yeah, I brought a video camera." He pulled out a handheld from his back pocket, and turned it on. "Okay, can you tell Alice to avenge you?"

"You're seriously still going to eat me?"

James rolled his eyes. "Just tell her to avenge you."

"Fine. Alice can you avenge me? James is about 6 foot tall, white, male, and has a long ponytail; you should be able to find him pretty easily." I said to the camera.

"That's great." James said.

"You want me to say anything else?" I asked.

"Uhh- yeah, okay; tell Edward that he's a pussy for not coming after me."

"Okay,"

"And that I think he still has my comb from the last time I saw him."

"That would explain the bird's nest hair." I muttered.

James snarled, but continued. "Also, tell Jasper that I think he looks like a girl, and he should pay me back for that poker game way back when."

"Wait, that's a lot of stuff, can you repeat that for me?"

"Sure," James said, reciting his requests.

"Okay, now one more thing." I said.

James blinked at me impatiently. "What?"

"Close your eyes." I instructed.

"Why?"

"Just do it, then you can eat me." I promised.

"What the hell, no." He said.

"Come on, close your eyes and count to three." I said.

James gave me a cold stare, then shrugged his shoulders and closed his eyes.

I didn't waste a fraction of a second before I made a beeline down the road, arms flailing wildly over my head.

"HEEEEELPPP! HEEEELPPPPP! HELP!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, running as fast as my feet would take me. "6 FOOT, WHITE CAUCASIAN MALE, VAMPIRE! HEELP!"

I smashed into a tree, oh wait, it was just a murderer. James stood in front of me, glaring.

"Don't scream." He commanded.

I looked into his evil, red eyes for a millisecond.

Then I let out the highest-pitched scream I have ever done in my life. Ever.

"Mother F- my ears are sensitive!" He growled, covering his ears with his palms and falling to his knees.

I took the opportunity to continue screaming and running down the road.

I do not know where this uber-athleticism had come from, but I felt like Wonder Woman and I hadn't even fallen yet.

"Bella?"

I stopped in my tracks.

Cooper was standing by the roadside, a box of matches in his hand.

"Cooper! We have to get out of here!" I huffed. "James is chasing me, he wants to eat me." I breathed, grabbing him and trying to pull him in the direction of town.

Cooper shook my hand off of him. "Don't be silly, James was a goldfish. Plus, I'm cremating Bob."

My eyes bounced between Cooper, his matchbox, and a little pile of sticks on the ground. "Forget about Bob! James is coming!" I cried.

"The hamburger killed James years ago, Bella. You're probably just tired." He said, bending down to light his stick-tomb.

I didn't have time for this - we were both going to die.

He would hate me for this, but it needed to be done.

I walked up to his pile of burning sticks, and kicked them as hard as I could, sending them flying into the air.

"NOOO!" Two voices cried. One was Cooper's, and the other one was . . . James's?

We both turned to the second voice, as the vampire was suddenly in our view, trying to screech himself to a halt.

His heels dug into the ground, creating deep craters in the road, but he toppled over and tumbled into the flying, fiery sticks.

As if he were made of gasoline, he burst into flames and his body skidded to our feet.

Cooper and I blinked at the burning vampire.

"Ew." Cooper said. "He's on top of Bob."

"Oh my God, we killed James!" I cried.

Cooper snorted. "That's actually kind of funny." He said, watching the flames grow higher.

"Didn't you hear me screaming?" I asked him. I'm pretty sure the whole town must've heard me screaming.

"Yeah. Sorry, I was ignoring you."

"Because I squished your slug?"

"Yeah."

"You're terrible, I almost died."

"Sorry." Cooper said, sheepishly. "Wanna go home and bake a cake?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

Well, my life was interesting; and for once, I wasn't exaggerating.

Suddenly, I couldn't wait to see Alice.

* * *

**I understand this was done kind of hastily; I apologize. I had to finish it up quickly because I have to leave.**

**Hope you still enjoyed it!  
**


	17. Getting the Nerve, Nervously

**It's been a while. I've been busy writing Stop and Stare (God, I really love that series); so I'm sorry for the delay! I'm also sorry that this is short.  
**

* * *

We munched on the strawberry shortcake, curled up on my couch. The television flickered, and on screen people were running around in chaos.

"I can't believe we started a forest fire." I breathed out, sipping my hot cocoa.

Cooper shrugged. He was playing checkers with himself, and shoveling cake into his mouth at the same time. "People start forest fires all the time."

"No they don't; this is the wettest town in America - we haven't had a forest fire in like . . . forever."

"I thought they did. Oh, well."

I looked at him, eyes narrowing. "Cooper, we burnt down the edge of our town. I don't see how you're so casual about this."

"And so school will probably be out for a few days; people will love us!" He said.

I rolled my eyes, but I'll give him that. No school was always a plus.

We got bored of the news after a while, and I switched off the television. It was pretty late anyways, so I ushered Cooper out of my house.

I would have called Alice, but Charlie had taken my cellphone away because I was grounded - you know, because of the whole stabbing thing.

Instead, I resolved on visiting her tomorrow morning.

...

**Alice's POV**

Despite my pissy mood, I could help but burst out laughing at the scene before me.

Rosalie was sitting outside, stretched comfortably on a lawn chair with a magazine. She was shining a flashlight on herself.

"Rose, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Sun tanning." She replied, flipping her page with just one finger.

"Er . . ." I said, looking up at the overcast sky. I decided not to ask. "Listen, I wanted to talk to you."

"Who doesn't?" Rose said.

"About Bella." I continued.

Rose snapped her magazine shut.

"Oh, you mean the girl that Edward stalks and you revealed our most important secret to? That one, stupid girl who talks too much and then not at all; who was born 70 years after you; who could end our family with her crazy-as-shit friend who seems to know about us too; that _human_ chick who you all seem to be obsessed with?" She said with a sarcastic sneer.

I faltered a little bit. "Uhh- yeah, her." I said.

Rose hopped up to her feet, holding her flashlight and magazine close to her chest. "Not interested. Bye!" She said, smiling. Then she disappeared, and I heard a door slam shut somewhere inside the house.

I sighed. Fine; I would just have to bring this to Edward.

As I entered Edward's room, Miley Cyrus drummed in my ears from his laptop.

Edward was sitting in the middle of his floor, multitasking. One hand was expertly knitting a tiny green sweater, the other hand was flipping through pages in his scrapbook, and his mouth was belting out lyrics from The Climb.

"I don't want to talk about Bella, Alice." He said, not looking up from his activities.

I arched an eyebrow. "Well, it looks you do." I said, indicating his scrapbook.

The current page was labeled "Bella eats."

It was a compilation of Bella, well, _eating_. The pictures were categorized by the foods she was consuming - pastas with the pastas, salads with the salads; that sort of stuff. The next page was close ups of her chewing. Wow.

"If you're going to judge me, you can leave." He muttered, reading my thoughts.

I side-stepped a furry Edward - yes, Edward named one of his cats Edward, and sat on his bed.

Waiting, I giggled at the vision of Edward trying to place the sweater he was knitting on cat-Edward - the sweater was much too small. Vampire-Edward snarled.

"Well, spit it out." He breathed.

"You already know what I'm thinking." I said.

"Alright, well the answer is no."

"Why not?"

"You'll eat her." Edward said, and I crossed my arms. "No one has more control than I do." He stated.

"I haven't eaten her thus far." I countered.

"But you will."

"_I'm_ the one with the visions, Edward. Death by Alice isn't on the list." I pressed on. "And if Jasper's right-"

"-If Jasper's right, then that would be terrible." He finished.

"For _you_." I said.

"No, for_ her_." He responded, looking at me with a stern eye.

The perfect picture of seriousness was ruined however, because another cat scurried up Edward's outstretched arm and perched upon his bushy hair.

"Nice." I muttered.

Edward's glare broke, only to be replaced by a scowl. "Nobody understands me!" He yelled, turning his back on me, cat still on top of his head.

I received the vision of him slamming his door to my back, and decided I would beat him to the punch. I was out of his room in half a second.

I was barely out of the house as Jasper was entering, and I halted in front of him.

"He's playing Miley Cyrus; you must really have upset him." Jasper said, grinning.

I shrugged. "It was playing before I got there."

Jasper shrugged too. We would never understand our brother; at least he got _that_ right.

"Are you still confused?" Jasper asked me.

"I'm not confused." I replied.

"Good." He said, smirking. "Because I can hear Bella's truck coming this way."

...

**Bella's POV**

I shifted my feet as I sat in the truck. It was pulled into the Cullens' driveway, but I had spent the last 10 minutes building up nerve to go in. The need to move, however, was dashed because Alice walked out of her house and stopped at my window.

"Hi." She said.

I gulped. Here goes nothing, regardless of that fact that my sentence came out at light speed. "Hi Alice I drew you a picture and I also wanted to see you wanted to hang out and possibly get dinner and it's not a date because I'm not gay and I know you don't eat but we can get dinner anyways and possibly a movie and then we can get dinner. You also look lovely and smell like rainbows."

Alice blinked and before she could get a word in, I shoved my picture into her hands.

Damn this nervousness!

She inspected the picture, and I relaxed as a smile broke out across her features.

"You drew this?" She asked me.

I nodded.

"Why is Edward under the tree?" She questioned, pointing to the sparkly Edward.

Okay, maybe I didn't draw that picture; maybe it was the one that Edward had given me a few days ago. She didn't need to know that, right?

"Because he's part of your family and I really believe in family values." I smiled.

Alice reached into my car and hugged me, and Bohemian Rhapsody played in my head because I was just that happy.

"That's really sweet of you, and the picture is perfect. You're really good at drawing."

"Thanks," I said. "So . . ."

"Dinner sounds great." She said.

_YES! YES! YES!_

"Did you want to go now?" Alice asked.

I smiled sheepishly. "If that's okay with you."

"That's fine."

"Okay, we need to take Cooper home first." I said. On cue, Cooper emerged from the back of the truck, smiling.

Alice looked confused. "Uhh,"

"Bella made me come." He explained.

"Why?"

Cooper grinned, and winked at Alice. "To make sure she wouldn't turn back."

* * *

**About time Bella starts making her moves, eh?**


End file.
